Oh hi, Sunday!

Where did the weekend go? They go by so quickly. Especially now that I don’t take Mondays off anymore. So much to do, so little time.

I’m feeling a little rough today. So tired! Frey and I stayed up until 2:30 am watching Gilmore Girls. At one point she even laid her head on my lap and gave me a cuddle!! Oh and she totally spoiled like the entire series for me – she loves it and just couldn’t stop telling me stuff.  (This is my first time watching it. Still on season 1). Anyway, I finally told her we had to go to bed. I was in bed (next to a snoring Dave) for maybe five minutes when she knocked on the door and told me she was scared. I ended up sleeping in her room, on the floor, because she has a twin sized bed. My poor broken old ass body can’t handle such a thing, and I’m paying for it now. Haha. Totally worth it though. 

Oh to be young again! She was up bright and early this morning and as chipper as ever. I am dragging ass. Getting old sucks. 

I bit the bullet today and weighed myself. 143. That is up from 128 this time last year. So…it’s time to get serious about my diet. Working out on its own just isn’t enough. I have had tons of success in the past with Weight Watchers and so I joined the online program this morning. I’m already feeling so much better about things. I can’t wait to work the program this week and weigh in next Sunday. 

I know what the problem is: D and I have been having way too much fun. Too much eating out. Too much drinking. Too many late night munchie binges. (Apparently, being happy in a relationship is bad for your weight!) But I’m finally ready to get my ass in gear. Fuck this shit. 

It helped (and hurt my feelings like whoa) that the other day my son saw my stomach and actually said, “Hey mom, are you trying to lose some weight? Your stomach looks sort of big.” Man that was rough. Not gonna lie…I was pretty sad that night. Lucky Dave…he got to hear all about it! And don’t worry, I had a serious conversation with Jackson about hurting people’s feelings and keeping certain thoughts to ourselves. I also informed him that if he thinks I’m “fat” then he needs to seriously readjust his expectations of women. 

Interestingly enough, when I asked him if he thought his dad was fat (which he is), Jackson looked at me like I was crazy, like he had no idea what I was talking about. Then it clicked for me: even at the age of six he has been programed to believe that women need to look a certain way.  Some of my own behaviors in the past probably haven’t helped, to be honest. I’m putting an end to that bullshit though. 

Enough about that shit. 

April is going to be such a fun month. I’m bummed we missed out on trivia last night, which was supposed to be the kick start to a fun filled month. This week we have Yoga Buzz. I have a girls night with Danielle. Saturday night is Battlestar Galactica game night! Our anniversary is in a little over a week and we have reservations at a very nice place. I have a happy hour set up with some colleagues. And finally: we are going to Chicago to visit with @talknboutluvdancnboutarktecture and her lovely wife. I am so very ready!

Happy, happy Sunday to you! xoxo

love ridden

  • I can’t believe I’m about to say this, but I’m so glad it’s Monday.  I’m glad the funeral is over. It was one of the hardest days ever. I seriously couldn’t have made it through without my bf. He has been so amazing throughout this nightmare. He took excellent care of me yesterday. He drove me to the funeral, and sat with me for over six hours. He held me while I cried. He fed me when it was over. He’s amazing, and I didn’t think it was possible to love him anymore than I already did, but somehow I do.
  • He also met my family for the first time yesterday. Obviously it wasn’t the ideal circumstances under which to meet them, but it went pretty well all things considered.
  • In other news, I’m super excited about Thanksgiving this week. I want pie.
  • I finally get to see Jackson tonight. I haven’t seen him since Tuesday morning, so I’m very anxious to get him home. I’m excited that we will be together every day for the next week, with the exception of tomorrow. We need some mommy/son bonding time.  I think the hardest part of my brother’s funeral was seeing my mom fall apart. Her baby died. I kept thinking: what if it was Jackson? And then I would feel like I couldn’t breathe.  Losing a brother is hard. Losing a child…there are no words.
  • The bf and I restarted My Fitness Pal today. My starting weight is 130.1. I want to lose about five pounds, but I’m going to try to not obsess over it. The goal is to be more calorie aware and more active. Thanksgiving is definitely going to be a cheat day though. That was already discussed. (if you use the app, please add me, as I need the encouragement: lawgirljenn)
  • I’m currently reading a book called After I Do by Taylor Reid. It’s (fiction) about a married couple who is falling out of love, and decide to take a one year break from their relationship.  I’m not done yet, but I’ve identified with quite a bit of what I’ve read, and I think it’s a good read for anyone (but especially a female) who has gone through a separation (or divorce).
  • Happy Monday. Life is short: eat the cake, drink the beer, and tell your people that you love them. This is my new motto. ❤

by the numbers: wednesday edition

  1. I have been awake since 4 am.  It’s starting to show.
  2. Today was crazy busy at the office. This has become the new normal.
  3. I chose my new office space today. Our firm is expanding. We have acquired additional space, and I’m getting an office upgrade. This means I get to pick out new furniture, decorate, and all that fun stuff.  November 1st is the day we can occupy the space.
  4. I wore my super cute new boots today. I love them. However, they gave me a blister. Boo.
  5. I discovered a new business called Insomnia Cookies, which delivers fresh baked cookies from 11 am to 3 am.  I’m within their delivery area.  And this is just another reason why city living fucking rocks.
  6. #5 is also just another reason why I need to recommit to my exercise routine. It’s hard though. I step on the scale expecting a nightmare and I see 130. So then I shrug and figure it must not be as bad as I think. Besides…cookie delivery. #yolo
  7. My creepy client referred to me as “excellent eye candy” today. Ugh.  Think it; don’t say it. For fuck’s sake.
  8. I have decided it is time to expand my horizons when it comes to cooking.  I’ve built cooking up to be this difficult thing that I hate to do, but really it’s pretty easy, and sometimes kind of fun.  Today I made spaghetti squash, which is something I’ve been interested in trying for a few years now, and it turned out really well.  It was super yummy. 
  9. I finally broke down and purchased Mario Kart 8, so now Jax and I can play remotely with Dave & his daughter.  We did it tonight and it was super fun.
  10. And now I shall eat Greek yogurt and read. This is how I roll.

Guess whose mood is back on track?

Today my surgeon gave me the all clear. This means bras, running, and no more compression!  Basically, life is back to normal.

She also told me to stop losing weight, because I “look really good.” She’s the expert and she saw me naked today, so…


Tonight the boyfriend and I are having dinner at BWW. I shall eat all the chicken in celebration of this glorious day. ❤

all the good stuff

  • It’s Friday. I have much fun stuff planned for the weekend. QA show. Six Row Vanilla Strawberry beer…fuck yes!!!! Arcade Fire. So much win.
  • I got my hair cut yesterday, and it was finally long enough for the cut I’ve been wanting.  OMFG I was so excited when I left that salon.  I was telling Dave last night that for the last year, whenever I looked in the mirror, all I could see was the cancer patient staring back at me.  My hair always had (imo) that ‘growing it back after chemo’ look to it.  Not anymore. It’s an actual fucking hairstyle. SO. PLEASED.
  • As of Monday, I am down six pounds. I’m like a pound away from my original goal (130), but I’m going to go ahead and lose some more, because that shit wasn’t even hard. I want to see the 120s.
  • My skinny jeans are too big.  This means shopping. Yay for shopping.
  • Every day I’m feeling slightly better than the day before. I rolled over this morning to look at Dave, and I was like ‘oh hey, I’m on my side!’ That was not possible even two days ago.

one more before the meds kick in

  1. What a delightful weekend. Now I shall tackle my usual Sunday evening anxiety. 
  2. Dave and I are obsessed with My Fitness Pal.  Friend me if you use it (username: lawgirljenn).  Tomorrow will be one week since we started the great vacation slim down diet. I’ve peeked at the scale, and it’s looking good.
  3. I’ve been super active this week/weekend. We walked almost everywhere.  My legs are sore.
  4. Jackson is in Texas so I don’t get to pick him up tomorrow night. I’m super bummed. I miss his cute little face.
  5. But I bought Mario Kart and the necessary accessories today.  He’s going to be so thrilled. I can’t wait to show him. 
  6. I was getting kind of down on Birchbox, but then I got the April box on Saturday, and OMFG it was full of win. There is a sample of perfume that is fucking delightful. I’m going to buy the full size bottle.  (I love sandalwood so much.)
  7. The new Jill and Kate acoustic covers album is just lovely.  My favorites are: Insensitive, Wrecking Ball, and All Too Well. I’ve been listening to it on repeat in my car (and maybe I cry a little).  It’s on Spotify now, along with Heart of Stone, which is also amazing.  It was exactly one year ago that I met them at their Heart of Stone release party.  I’m so happy for them. 

a heavy issue

I’m going to discuss my secret shame on the blog.  I think it will help me be accountable and also work through the issues.

I weighed myself this morning at 136.9, which is my official start weight. I want to be 130.  I am almost 5’7" so I’m well within my healthy weight range.

I downloaded the My Fitness Pal app to my iPhone to help keep track of my calories, and all my old info is still in there. When I started using it a couple of years ago, I weighed 146.5 and my goal was 135.  It’s crazy to me that I’m now essentially 135, and it isn’t good enough, because I’ve been 130 for the last year or so.  What I really want is to be 125, but that does not seem to be maintainable for me.  I did see that weight during chemo though.  (All of my friends told me it was a bad look, btw. All I heard from them, like a broken record: you’re too skinny. Way too skinny.“ In my (broken) mind, there isn’t such a thing.)

When I look in the mirror, I see someone who needs to lose about 20 pounds.  I know that’s crazy.  I really do, but my body image is completely distorted.  It has been since about junior year in high school. I weighed 114 pounds and refused to eat at all during the day.  I would eat one giant meal at night (totally binge eating), and that was it.  I was obsessed with my weight.  I was eventually (in college) diagnosed with BDD.  I used to take meds for it, but those meds interfere with Tamoxifen, and so I cannot take them anymore.

A perfect example of how fucking stupid it is: My best friend is 3 pounds heavier than me, and 5 inches shorter.  She thinks she needs to lose weight, but I think she looks great.

I plan to work harder on accepting and loving myself as I am, but I won’t lie and say I don’t intend to keep working to get the body I want.  Part of me knows that even if I got to this ideal, I would still be unhappy.  I’m always wanting more.  I’m never satisfied with myself.  It’s why I’m always so fucking mentally exhausted.  I want to do more and be better all the time.

In the meantime, I comfort myself with the knowledge that in January my plastic surgeon is going to suck out a bunch of my fat and put it in my boobs to soften the edges of my implants.  Taking fat out of my abdomen and thighs and putting it in my boobs…isn’t that every girl’s dream?