unsent letters

  1. Dear J: I love you more than my own life. I think that’s all that really needs to be said. Love, your mom.
  2. Dear D: Maya Angelou says it better than I can – 

3.  Dear G: I want you to be happy. But you’re never going to be happy if you don’t work on yourself first. Get it together. Life is too short.
4.  Dear K: I know she’s your heart, and I will give my everything to love her and protect her when you aren’t around. I know this upcoming transition won’t be easy for you. Please understand that it was/is never my intention to make you feel bad. I know you never wanted this, and yet here we are. I’d like to start fresh, if that’s possible. I appreciate you and I want you to be happy. 
5.  Dear S: I wish it had been you instead. 

dear mom

I don’t know if you’ll read this or not, or if you even know this blog exists, and I honestly don’t want to know. I just need to say that despite all that has been, and all that may come, I love you. I know it probably doesn’t feel that way sometimes, and I’m sorry I’m too fucked up to fix that about myself, but it’s true just the same.

dear brother

It has been almost a year since we lost you. 

Sometimes I think about that Thanksgiving in 97, when I came home from college and worked at that shitty German restaurant with Katie. You guys had Thanksgiving dinner without me, and by the time I got home I was exhausted. Who knew so many old people liked eating out on Thanksgiving? Anyway, everyone else was in bed, but you waited up for me. I immediately threw myself on the couch, and within a few minutes you had appeared with a plate of food. Then you sat with me and we watched a movie. 

Sometimes the smallest gestures make the biggest impact. Your gesture meant so very much and the selflessness and genuine sweetness behind it nearly broke my heart. You were such a sweet boy. It always sort of amazed me. How does something so sweet and pure develop out of a pile of shit? How did it never break your spirit? Or did I maybe just not see it because I was fighting my own demons? I’m sorry if I failed you. 

I miss you, and I love you. I just wanted you to know.