- I’ve had a few difficult professional conversations today, but they all ended up going quite well.
- D gave me his cold.
- I have a tension headache. The pain in radiating down my neck and into my shoulder.
- Being in a book club is hard when you’ve read like all the books. Every single month for the last four have been repeats.
- There was so much making out this past weekend that my mouth is sore and the skin around it is irritated.
- I wish people would stop pretending like cauliflower is an acceptable substitute for rice and/or potatoes.
- D’s ex sent him an email today that made me smile. It seems his parents are on her shit-list too, and rightfully so. Fucking assholes.
- I’m addicted to washi tape, and stickers. I put them on everything.
- This completely worthless post must come to an end so I can go meet with another client.
I’m tired of being made to feel like I’m weird just because I don’t want to fuck anyone other than D.
The joints in my right hand are super swollen and hurt so much. I’m sitting at my desk trying not to cry. This is even after two pain pills.
I’m exhausted. I had to wake up earlier than usual this morning and I’m so not a morning person. I’m not really an afternoon person either. I just want to sleep like 10 to 12 hours per day to be honest.
I have to go to court every morning this week and just ugh…do not want. At least tomorrow morning it’s just muni court in my new hometown so I won’t have to wake up insanely early.
I’m starting to think I just don’t like dogs.
Unrelated to the point above: today a couple of colleagues and I had a very weird conversation about eating dogs and horses. We get bored while waiting for our cases to be called at court.
I fell asleep at my desk earlier. It may happen again. I’m dragging.
I stayed at court longer than I needed to this morning to try to avoid seeing a client I knew would be back at the office. It didn’t work.
I’m seriously considering breaking up with my hair stylist. Unfortunately, this is harder than it seems. Especially when you are connected on Facebook and have mutual friends. I just want my fucking hair to be even for fuck’s sake.
We bought 7 bottles of wine yesterday at the winery. Plus, we received two bottles as housewarming gifts this weekend. All reds. I’m a happy girl.
I feel like I have grown so cynical. I have a difficult time taking things at face value. Even a seemingly nice act often has an ulterior motive.
Sometimes something will happen and I’m reminded of how many people actually read this blog. Then I often feel the urge to delete. I won’t, obvs. But the feeling is there…lurking.
D is super stressed and so I want to do something to help him relax. I’m going to rock his world. (Last night, he seriously rocked mine like whoa…)
It’s my birthday week and so there will be cake. Oh yes. Maybe even tonight. (D and I are going out for the adult version of my bday celebration).
I weighed myself on the “bad” scale this morning. I hate it and I’m throwing it away before I move. Fuck that thing. It is at least four pounds off.
I like it when my boyfriend acts needy and/or jealous. It’s good to feel wanted by him and to know he’s as scared to lose me as I am to lose him. There was an incident this weekend that was pretty adorable. He thought I was going to be mad at him, but it just made me love him more.
I only answer about 50% of the calls from my ex. Never once has it actually been something important. For example, he just called me twice in a row. The first time I ignored it. The second time I answered. What did he want? For me to look something up for him on the fucking internet. It was something about our kid, but still.
Why is it so hard for people to catch a fucking hint? Like I’m trying to spare your feelings by letting you down easy and you just won’t get the clue. Grrr.
Today a colleague of mine saw me outside of the courthouse. He was running. He paused to say hi and made a point of popping off his shirt. It was super fucking awkward and also hilarious.
You don’t get to check out for like five years and then suddenly check back in. That shit is not happening.
My “single” life is quickly coming to an end. I’ve lived on my own for four years now. I’m both nervous and excited about my life moving forward. Mostly excited. Very excited actually.
I’m good at being uncomfortable so I can’t stop changing all the time. (A lyric that is very close to my heart). I’m a fan of change. Change is good.
I’m reading up on how to be a good step-parent and on blended families.
The thing about chronic pain is that if I’m complaining about being in pain, then you should know that it is really fucking bad at that moment. I have a very high pain tolerance.
I have so much shit on my desk…just a fuck ton of work to do. Am I going to stay late and do any of it? Nope. I’m going to the gym and then I’m meeting up with D to do our typical Tuesday night stuff.
I love my life. I almost feel guilty because I’m so happy. Are other people this happy too? I hope so.
“I crave your groin.”
I was trying to figure out why my phone is almost dead at only 3:00 pm, and then I remembered that Kovar and I spent our lunch break walking around the CWE trying to capture Pokemon.
I don’t really like OITNB all that much. I find most of the characters to be annoying. I haven’t checked out the new season yet because meh. I’m all about that GoT, baby. I’ll watch OITNB eventually though when I run out of actual good shows to watch.
I have never been so happy to fail at something. #vagueblogging
I think a little bit of jealousy is good for a relationship. Just a little bit though.
You know what else is good? Best friends who tell it like it is.
Ooh and donuts and cake and ice cream and…
I’ve been enjoying embracing my inner nerd. I’m all about this GoT card game.
Life is much more peaceful when
certain people are getting laid on the regular.
Two of my toe nails are falling off because of an extremely cute but horribly uncomfortable pair of shoes that I refuse to stop wearing. Who needs toe nails anyway?
I’m toying around with the idea of deactivating my Facebook. But what else is new, right? Ooh maybe I should just start a new one and then only friend certain people. Hmm.
I have 11 free Ticketmaster vouchers because of the class action settlement.
Someone recently told me that my confidence is sexy, and that is when I first realized that I am much more confident than I used to be a few years ago. I have spent most of my life feeling shy and awkward and judged. Now I feel free and strong and really couldn’t care less about other people’s judgments. It feels pretty fucking amazing tbh.
I hate the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Like really, really hate them. They’ve been getting a bunch of attention lately because of their new album and it’s pissing me off. Both Lithium and Alt Nation are all about them right now. Grr. (They are currently my second most hated band – behind TMBG. I def won’t be using any of my free vouchers to go see them. Ha!)
I’ve been pretty stressed recently. There is so much going on, so much to do, so little time. My life is about to drastically change. I need to take a deep breathe, let go of the tension, and just enjoy the ride.
So far today, I have received several phone calls and texts to inform me that my youngest sister just (as in today) had her two oldest kids taken away by the state. Her youngest was taken away months ago, as a newborn, because he was born addicted to methadone. Honestly, I’ve been wondering what was taking so long for them to pick up the other two.
My sister is a heroin addict. To say she neglects her children would be an understatement. In fact, I’m worried that the middle kid has no hope of redemption. She may have ruined him already, and he’s only like four years old.
The truth is that I’m glad her kids got taken away. The baby will end up being adopted by a good family. The older two will get to go live with their dad. He may not be a model father, but at least he’s not a fucking junkie. I hope they all manage to escape the cycle of poverty, abuse, and neglect in which they are currently trapped. It can be done, but I know from experience that it isn’t easy, and unfortunately isn’t likely.
My sister keeps trying to contact me about this, despite the fact that I have already told her I refuse to help her get the kids back. I now have her blocked on Facebook and blocked her number on my iPhone. I only ever hear from her when she wants money and/or free legal services.
I just want to be left alone. I want to be left with the family I created for myself. My “blood” causes nothing but drama and heartbreak.
I wrote this late last night, after consuming half a bottle of wine, and I’ve decided to go ahead and post it.
My favorite thing about WordPress is the silence. Even though the stats tell a different story, I enjoy the feeling that I’m speaking to the void.
I feel so happy and full of love that I worry I’m jinxing myself somehow. When I was a young girl, I dreamed of the day I could have it all. It’s within my reach. I’m almost touching it. So close. It’s scary. It’s so fucking scary to have so much to lose.When I had nothing to lose, it was easy to be brave. To be a bad ass.
Yet somehow I am the most confident I’ve ever been in my life. I finally believe in myself. I can do it. I have already done it really. I have beaten the odds. I have earned this. All of it.
Sometimes it occurs to me that I should be working a pole somewhere, addicted to heroin, and going home to a trailer. I escaped that life by sheer luck. I looked at my parents and by the age of five I was working on my plan to get out. The luck was that I was smart enough to see it for what it was and form a plan of action . My siblings weren’t so lucky, unfortunately. Now one is dead, and another may as well be.
I graduated high school with honors (#16) in a class of over 300 because there was no way I wasn’t getting the fuck out of there. I was the first to do so. Do you know how hard it is to do well when you are constantly being held back? Being told you aren’t good enough? Being told you’re a bitch, and a whore, and you’re worthless, ungrateful, lazy, stupid, and a mistake? Being forced to work to keep the family fed, clothed, and housed. Having those hard earned dollars stolen in the night for crack. I’ve been working since I was thirteen years old. I’m fucking tired.
I watched my step dad beat my mom for years. It was just the way things were. She loved him just as much as she hated him. If a man ever hits me, he better kill me, because I will fucking end him. I am mine, mother fucker. You don’t own me. I am everything.
When I say I’m dauntless, I mean it. I will not stop. Nothing is going to hold me back. Not those people. Not circumstances. Not cancer. Nothing. I have found my people, my family, my team, and we will win. I will ride or die for them. For us.
I’ve waited for this moment my entire life.