the waiting drove me mad

I’m still in a bit of a funk. I’m better than yesterday though. And I at least have an idea of what the issues are:

  1. My house doesn’t feel like home anymore.
  2. Everything feels unsettled and it will for a while.
  3. At the office: same shit, different day.
  4. I’m tired. Always tired. Emotionally. Physically.
  5. My self-esteem is almost non-existent.

I just want to be left alone.

In other news:

  • Couch to 5k is going well.
  • I’m re-starting personal training sessions this week.
  • Fun plans tonight and Thursday night.
  • I’m very seriously considering getting “galaxy hair” next week!!

My birthday is in 10 days. I’m super grateful to still be here to experience another year. However, it’s a bit of a mind fuck that I’m going to be 37 years old. Where did the time go? Who is this old lady looking back at me when I look at the mirror.

so much to say

  • We must have heard that song at least five times while we were driving all over the Southeastern United States. *love* Not only was it on the road trip playlist I made for us, but Lithium has been playing it a lot lately.
  • We also listened to a bunch of Joy Formidable, Blink, and Of Monsters and Men.
  • We play this game where one of us throws out a letter and then we have to come up with as many bands as possible that start with that letter. It’s silly, but it’s really fun, and surprisingly difficult.
  • Total states we visited during this road trip (not counting Missouri): 6!
  • My favorite stop was Savannah. I wish we had spent more time there. The history and culture is amazing. I loved the accents and the architecture. The ghost tour was crazy fun. I drank something called Artillery Punch, which is apparently like the local go-to cocktail. It was so strong omg. It contained champagne, rum, whisky, gin, and brandy – among others.
  • What I didn’t like: the humidity. In Georgia and South Carolina, I experienced a level of humidity that I didn’t even know existed in the world. Holy fucking shit. Walking outside felt like getting punched in the lungs. And my hair…let’s just say I didn’t realize my hair could get so crazy curly. It isn’t a good look for me sadly.
  • Horseback riding was so much fun! I intend to find a place to ride here in Saint Louis. D enjoyed it too, so that made it even better.
  • My favorite thing about this particular road trip is how we didn’t have a set agenda. We had a general idea of where we wanted to be, but we were open to making random stops if we saw a roadside attraction that looked interesting. We were open to changing up the route so we could hit up as many cities as we could. We made sure that we experienced as much of the local flavor as possible. It was a crazy fun trip and we are sad that it is over.



  • But…it does feel good to be home with my kid and my cat. It’s weird to think this won’t be my home for very much longer. In just a few short weeks, we will be moving out. I can’t wait though. We are so ready.

i invoke sumai

It’s getting harder to relax at home because there are boxes everywhere. Everything is in disarray. I feel cramped. Crowded. I’m looking forward to getting out of here for a week.

When I get back, I’m going to schedule the movers. I’m having them move all of my stuff into a storage unit. So I also need to acquire a storage unit.

Moving is stressful, and I hate it. This will be so very worth it though. I get to move in with my best friend. How awesome is that?

The drywall is up at the house. That was exciting to see.

I saw Me Before You this afternoon. I thought it was really well done. (The book is one of my faves). Emilia Clarke was perfect. I cried a lot, of course.

(Also – Tywin Lannister sighting! ^^^)

My sense of time is so off this week. I keep thinking it’s Thursday.

I miss Gringo. Mission Taco just isn’t as good. I don’t care what anyone says.

D and I went to Left Bank Books last night to browse and it was delightful. I love book stores. I ended up not getting a book though because I just couldn’t choose. It takes me forever to choose my next read. So I bought yet another journal. This one has dinosaurs on it though.

The best part of the book store? There was a cat!!!

Relevant quote: “Choosing a new book was like looking for a treasure.”





stuff and things

  • I need these migraines to gtfo.
  • I spend a ridiculous amount of money on books. No regrets though.
  • I do have Kindle Unlimited, which helps a bit.
  • Maybe I should get a library card when I move?
  • Currently reading: The Girls by Emma Cline & Shrill: Notes from a Loud Woman by Lindy West. The latter was my BOTM club selection for June. I’m enjoying it more than I expected.
  • If you are a psychological horror fan, you must read I’m Thinking of Ending Things. I finished that one last night, and even gave it five stars on Goodreads, which I almost never do.
  • Since D is on work travel today, we can’t celebrate his birthday until he gets home tomorrow night. Boo.
  • So…I’m supposed to be celebrating Danielle’s birthday tonight instead.
  • D is only getting better with age. He’s even sexier now than when I met him. On all levels.
  • I had crazy, vivid, and disturbing dreams last night. I think it was because of that book. I was trapped in this house with a bunch of people, some of whom turned into zombie like creatures, and I ended up having to kill a bunch of them. One I stabbed to death with a fucking hanger. It was cray.
  • Oh and speaking of birthdays…I’m going on a girls trip in August for K’s birthday. So excited!
  • My own birthday is a little over a month away. I’m not sure what I want to do.
  • Tomorrow is hair cut day, and per usual I am torn between a pixie and growing it out a bit. *sigh*
  • It was 102 degrees yesterday and that is just disgusting and unacceptable. Fuck summer.
  • I think my ex has gotten to the point where he genuinely considers us to be friends. I say this because he has been calling me a lot lately and telling me random shit about his life, like he just wants to chat or is seeking advice. I’m not getting an I want to get back together vibe from him, despite the fact that he often remarks/whines that dating is brutal and he hates it. Though that may be just because he knows that’s not even a remote possibility for me. We have been able to talk about his dating life pretty candidly for a while now, but recently he has gotten a lot better about hearing about D and Freya and our plans with the house. And sometimes he even brings it up himself. Like the other day he told me I was lucky to be in a long term, stable relationship. So…idk. I guess it’s a good thing, right?
  • Yesterday, he called to tell me something about our dog, Gracie. Gracie is 14 years old. She’s a miniature dachshund so apparently she could still have several years of good living ahead of her. I miss her. I would love another mini dachshund, except dogs are so much work. So high maintenance. The cat life is much easier.
  • Well…except when your cat is a total asshole like mine is.
  • This is all over the place. I could keep going, but I probably shouldn’t. Some of what is on my mind isn’t fit for public consumption. Haha.

by request

I got a text from D saying he was “aching for a Jenn blog.” So here you go, babe. I aim to please. Especially considering he blogged today, which is somewhat rare, and I love, love, love reading his blogs. I love getting a glimpse into that brilliant mind of his.

Shut up…I’m disgustingly in love. Deal with it. I figure that if I’m still this smitten after four years, some of which were kind of rough, well that is awesome and worthy of being celebrated.

I am so very pleased to have finally started the long (holiday) weekend. I thought this week was NEVER going to end. OMG.

So cheers –

In other news –

  • This week was hellish (work wise) and I don’t see it getting any better. 5/31 will be my partner’s last day for (at least) an entire month and…there are no words. I’m thankful my associate’s tooth decided to flip the fuck out this week instead of next.
  • Sometimes I feel like the weight of the world (or at least several people’s worlds) is upon my shoulders.
  • Stress sucks, dude. Just saying.
  • So last night D and I made new friends. Couple friends. I technically met them several years ago (when I was still married) and we finally reconnected. We had great conversation while drinking much beer at Itap. I think we are going to have fun together. It’s sort of rare to meet fun, intelligent, non-trashy people whom you feel at ease with. At least in STL.
  • One of my favorite things ever is to hold entire conversations with D where we speak in obscure It’s Always Sunny references.
  • After drinks last night, D and I went out for dinner and I realized today that I left my credit card there. Oops. Guess who is driving out to Chesterfield tomorrow?
  • I sent an email to D’s ex on Tuesday night in an attempt to clear the air and get a fresh start. This was after she posted a ranty post on her blog because I called her out for following my blog, which she claims she did while on Benadryl though I don’t know that I believe it. (I was nice about it, btw.) I only know this from reading her blog, since she won’t talk to me directly. Anyway, she hasn’t responded, and I imagine she probably won’t. Whatever. At least I know I tried. Honestly, I’m sort of over it. It feels good actually. Freeing. I mean, I’ve apologized several times for the way shit went down back in the day, and at a certain point there isn’t anything left to say about it.
  • I honestly don’t know why she’s ashamed to admit that she reads this blog. I would if I were her, simply because I spend so much time around her child. I have read her blog on and off over the last four years, but I’m finally ready to put that part of my life behind me.
  • Bye, Felicia Karen.
  • We visited the home site yesterday and walked around the lower level. It was so very exciting. I know I wasn’t super keen on home building in the beginning, but fuck I’m happy we went this route. This place is going to be fucking incredible.
  • DMB on Sunday night. Ahhhhh!!!
  • What makes it even better is how excited D is!
  • We have our first sprout in our herb garden!!!


I think that’s the mint. But it could totally be basil or thyme. I have no idea what order we put them in.

I could go on, but this is getting super long.


mental health monday musings

I’m off today just because. I figured I should take my mental health Mondays while I still can. Soon my business partner will be out for an entire month (June), and eventually the plan is that he will be permanently out. I will be left holding the reigns alone. I have a lot of thoughts and feelings about that. Mostly, however, I think it’s the right move for everyone involved.

I’ve noticed recently that I am much more confident and outgoing than I used to be. I’m trying to figure out why. Was it leaving behind my old relationship? Was it living through cancer? Is it simply getting older and just finally feeling comfortable in my own skin? Simply having learned from experience that nothing is going to be the end of the world? I suppose it’s a combination of all those things. Anyway…I like it.

I suppose I should just accept that I will always have chronic fatigue and just move on with life? No matter how much sleep I get, I’m still tired exhausted.

This is Jackson’s last week of school. It feels like everything is moving too fast.  He’s going to have a week off before camp starts. I should plan something fun for us to do. I wish there was time for a trip.

Last night’s GoT was so full of girl power and I loved it. Sansa is finally being the bad ass I always knew she could be, and Daenerys is just…wow. Anyway, I loved last night’s episode. This season is off to an amazing start.

My latest Modcloth delivery is waiting for me at the office, which you would think would motivate me to go in (since the office is just a couple miles away), but meh. It’ll wait. Something to look forward to tomorrow, right? Here’s what is waiting for me!


D is going to hate that cat sweatshirt. hahahaha


stuff and nonsense

I’ve used that blog title before, and I’ll use it again, because it’s the title to one of my favorite songs. I was listening to it in the car this morning on my way to drop Jackson off at school.

My favorite lyrics:

And you know that I love you
here and now, not forever.
I can give you the present.
I don’t know about the future.
That’s all stuff and nonsense.

In other news, I’m still battling this horrible flu. I went to work yesterday, against my better judgment, because the show must go on, right? When you’re the managing partner you’ve got to fucking manage. So that’s what I did. Today, however, I’ve decided to just stay in bed. Dave and I are traveling this weekend and I need to feel better. The only way to make that happen is to rest. And I’m not going to feel bad about it. I always feel guilty about not being in the office because there’s so much to do, and everything feels so fucking urgent. But nope, not gonna do it this time. Taking care of myself has to become a priority at some point, so why not right now? (And there are other reasons, but those are more appropriate for a separate post).

I started a new book last night: What She Knew. It’s about a mother whose eight-year-old son goes missing. I’m only about four chapters in and I’m already terribly anxious. Some of the stuff is hitting a little too close to home. Last night when I finally put it down so I could go to sleep, I had to go into Jackson’s room and give him a long hug (he was sound asleep). The mere thought of anything happening to him makes me feel ill. This is going to be a tough one to get through, though so far it is very interesting and well-written.

Insomnia is back. None of my old meds seem to work anymore. I guess it’s time to call the doctor. I hate relying on drugs, but I have to sleep.

I’ve taken to calling myself a hideous troll whale (because that’s how I feel). Nobody is amused. Except me.

I have a happy hour scheduled tonight with some colleagues. I don’t really feel up to going, though I feel like I should suck it up and go. Decisions, decisions.

Microfest tickets have been acquired! Can’t wait. Beer festivals are my favorite, though I must say that I’m quite excited about the wine festival (Grapes in the Garden) we are going to that same weekend. Yep, we are going to two “try all the drinks” festivals in one weekend. Not ideal. Or is it? Hmm.

We are off to Chicago tomorrow! We’re staying for three nights, and we already have some incredible stuff planned. And we get to see Melissa & Jenn! *insert all the heart eyes*

(senseless) sunday seven

  1. I turned my air conditioning on tonight when I got home because it was 78 degrees in here and fuck that shit.
  2. I smell like frankincense and lavender. It’s delightful.
  3. I thought The Jungle Book was really well done. 
  4. I have a closet full of gorgeous clothes and yet I can never find anything I want to wear. 
  5. Leaving them and returning home is getting harder for all of us.
  6. We started season 2 of Catastrophe today. I really, really like that show. HIghly recommended. It’s on Amazon. I’m hoping we can binge watch it during our down time in Chicago this upcoming weekend. And, of course, there is Game of Thrones to look forward to on Sunday night. 
  7. Two Ativan and cat cuddles should (hopefully) help me relax. 

all the things

  • D & I had this interesting (to me anyway) conversation last night about how I’m super crazy impatient whereas he could wait a million years to make a final decision about something. I think we balance each other out. Our relationship is like that in a lot of ways actually, which is why I think it works so well. I’m not foolish enough to think that we are the only people in the world suited for one another, but I do believe that we are extremely compatible, and lucky to have found one another. 
  • We were supposed to go to yoga last night, but instead we had sex and went to build your own burger night at Square One Brewery. No regrets.
  • I want to express my absolute love of hyacinths. I think they are the best smelling flower. Mmm. 
  • Also, these lovely trees brightened up an otherwise dreary morning, and it’s a good shot of the federal courthouse where I spend quite a bit of time. It’s a lovely building. (I’m totally a federal court snob. The state and muni courts are so meh.)
  • Planning a road trip to go see The Joy Formidable since they refuse to come to STL. Wtf? We saw them in 2013 at Pops and actually were standing right in front of the stage, but I got super sick from chemo and needed to sit down, which I felt so bad about because Dave absolutely adores them. Anyway, I will always remember how this really nice guy offered up his seat for me. He saved our night, which apparently Dave told him before we left. The dude didn’t even realize I had cancer. He was just being a gentleman. There are still nice people in the world, and that makes my heart happy. 
  • What fun stuff is there to do in Birmingham, Alabama? 
  • I heard the Toadies cover Heart of Glass by Blondie today and omfg all the heart eyes. 
  • I got a shitty anon message the other day. Internalized misogyny, huh? Bitch, please. I dare you to say that shit to my face. Just because I don’t like some chick who was a fucking bitch to me now means that I believe that “the lies, stereotypes and myths about girls and women that are delivered to everyone in a sexist society are true?” Because that’s the definition. *epic eye-roll*
  • This is the kind of shit that makes me hate super liberals. You’re really not much better than the crazy conservatives, and equally fucking annoying. And I consider myself to be a liberal, for the record. 
  • I bet I’ll lose some followers over this. I lost several over my Bernie Sanders rants. Number of fucks given: zero point zero. 
  • My head still fucking hurts and so I’m convinced I have brain mets because that’s life after cancer: every fucking ache or pain = my cancer is back. Of course, I know that realistically that likelihood is quite low because I just saw my oncologist in January and I was NED. That doesn’t stop me from worrying though. Can you have PTSD from cancer because I feel like seriously traumatized by it sometimes?
  • I don’t want to end on a low note, because I’m actually in a fantastic mood right now, so let me just say that I have not one, but two (!!) Modcloth orders on the way. And one of them contains this adorable bag:

*squee* It was on sale. I couldn’t resist. Darth Vader is my fave. 

(You may be a shopaholic if…)

Oh hi, Sunday!

Where did the weekend go? They go by so quickly. Especially now that I don’t take Mondays off anymore. So much to do, so little time.

I’m feeling a little rough today. So tired! Frey and I stayed up until 2:30 am watching Gilmore Girls. At one point she even laid her head on my lap and gave me a cuddle!! Oh and she totally spoiled like the entire series for me – she loves it and just couldn’t stop telling me stuff.  (This is my first time watching it. Still on season 1). Anyway, I finally told her we had to go to bed. I was in bed (next to a snoring Dave) for maybe five minutes when she knocked on the door and told me she was scared. I ended up sleeping in her room, on the floor, because she has a twin sized bed. My poor broken old ass body can’t handle such a thing, and I’m paying for it now. Haha. Totally worth it though. 

Oh to be young again! She was up bright and early this morning and as chipper as ever. I am dragging ass. Getting old sucks. 

I bit the bullet today and weighed myself. 143. That is up from 128 this time last year. So…it’s time to get serious about my diet. Working out on its own just isn’t enough. I have had tons of success in the past with Weight Watchers and so I joined the online program this morning. I’m already feeling so much better about things. I can’t wait to work the program this week and weigh in next Sunday. 

I know what the problem is: D and I have been having way too much fun. Too much eating out. Too much drinking. Too many late night munchie binges. (Apparently, being happy in a relationship is bad for your weight!) But I’m finally ready to get my ass in gear. Fuck this shit. 

It helped (and hurt my feelings like whoa) that the other day my son saw my stomach and actually said, “Hey mom, are you trying to lose some weight? Your stomach looks sort of big.” Man that was rough. Not gonna lie…I was pretty sad that night. Lucky Dave…he got to hear all about it! And don’t worry, I had a serious conversation with Jackson about hurting people’s feelings and keeping certain thoughts to ourselves. I also informed him that if he thinks I’m “fat” then he needs to seriously readjust his expectations of women. 

Interestingly enough, when I asked him if he thought his dad was fat (which he is), Jackson looked at me like I was crazy, like he had no idea what I was talking about. Then it clicked for me: even at the age of six he has been programed to believe that women need to look a certain way.  Some of my own behaviors in the past probably haven’t helped, to be honest. I’m putting an end to that bullshit though. 

Enough about that shit. 

April is going to be such a fun month. I’m bummed we missed out on trivia last night, which was supposed to be the kick start to a fun filled month. This week we have Yoga Buzz. I have a girls night with Danielle. Saturday night is Battlestar Galactica game night! Our anniversary is in a little over a week and we have reservations at a very nice place. I have a happy hour set up with some colleagues. And finally: we are going to Chicago to visit with @talknboutluvdancnboutarktecture and her lovely wife. I am so very ready!

Happy, happy Sunday to you! xoxo