*sunday morning seven*

  1. We got home late last night (after midnight) and so we slept in. Jackson didn’t wake up until almost 10 am, which is unheard of. 
  2. My right foot really, really hurts. I’m pretty sure it’s an arthritis thing. I guess I need to pull out the pain meds, because it doesn’t show signs of stopping anytime soon. *sigh*
  3. That makes it difficult to follow through with our original plan of going to the zoo. 
  4. So instead it will be a movie day. 
  5. Timehop reminded me that two years ago the bf and I were in Cancun. It was our first big vacation together. My ex sent me this nasty email (in an attempt to ruin said vacation), telling me that I was a terrible mother for introducing our child to the person I had been dating for well over a year (and various other reasons as well). I was so fucking pissed off that day. I’m very glad we have moved past all that drama. I’ve gotta say though, my tweets from that day are hilarious. 
  6. That also reminds me of the time, not long after our separation, that my friend sent me screenshots of a conversation the ex was having on Facebook with a mutual friend. (This was after he blocked me). The phrases: “evil fucking cunt” and “epic whore” were used to describe me in that thread. Oh the joys of divorce!!
  7. What a lovely trip down memory lane this turned out to be. Haha. Though it’s remarkable how unfazed I am by it all now. Time heals. Now it’s time for leftover pizza and Jurassic Park 3 with my favorite boy. 

where is my mind?

  1. Apparently, five glasses of wine plus two lorazepam equals eleven hours of uninterrupted sleep. I woke up at 11 am. That never happens.
  2. My joints are bothering me today, so this has been a bed/couch day for me. I’m bummed b/c I had to cancel plans over it, but this hasn’t happened in quite some time, and for that I am very grateful.
  3. I watched Oculus today (via Netflix). It was a decent horror movie. Worth watching, in my opinion.
  4. Current status: more Planet Earth. I’ll likely finish it today. Birds of Paradise are funny.
  5. I’m normally pretty anxious on Sundays, but I’m actually feeling optimistic about the upcoming week, and I recognize that so much of my own happiness really comes down to my attitude about life.
  6. I’m ready to have my kid back tomorrow. I miss him. Last week, he asked me if he could change his schedule to five days with me and then five days with his dad. I told him not now, but we could revisit the issue when he’s in high school. Not having him all the time is by far the worst part of divorce (for me). 
  7. New Game of Thrones tonight. Squee. 

*happy saturday*

  1. My knee is so swollen. The pain was so intense yesterday, that even after various pain pills, I was lightheaded and nauseous.  It’s better today, but still pretty fucked.  Despite this, I did #30DS Level 3, because I was getting depressed after two days of not working out.
  2. Even though he will not see it, I want to give a shout out to my ex for bringing Jackson to me yesterday when I told him about my knee. I’m lucky I have such a good parenting relationship with him. The few divorced people I know are not as lucky. He’s a good guy, and a great dad.  Despite everything, we are getting along, and I am thankful for that.
  3. I’m back on Livejournal. (just_jenn2011 for now. I’m thinking a name change is in order or maybe I should go back to the original blog: lawgirljenn?) A friend reached out to me the other day and was like we miss you over here, and so I logged in yesterday (during my bed rest). It’s good to catch up, and to have a more private space to write in from time to time.
  4. Danielle is doing 30 Day Shred now. I’m hoping my knee improves so I can get over there to join her. Workout buddies are the best.
  5. Ann brought me dinner and ice cream last night. She’s the best bestie ever. ❤
  6. Tonight Jackson and I have a dinner date with itsjustcarrie and we are quite excited.

cancer: the gift that keeps on giving

I think I may stop taking Tamoxifen.  I’m at least going to be taking a break.

It has come to my attention this last week that Tamoxifen (along with Methotrexate) is making my hair fall out.  It has gotten extremely thin.  You can see way more scalp than I’m comfortable with.  A Google search revealed that this is a very common side effect.  (It would have been nice to have been warned about it.)  This is the last straw for me. I’ve been putting up with the other side effects, such as depression, dental problems, skin issues, mood swings, and fatigue. I would have continued to suffer through these side effects, but the hair loss is too much. I can’t do that again.   Call me vain. Call me crazy.  Call me stupid. I don’t care. Cancer has taken so much from me, and I have to put a stop to it at some point.  I didn’t take it last night, and I don’t plan on taking it tonight. I see my oncologist on Wednesday. I’m expecting him to throw an epic fit when I tell him. He’s going to shove the statistics down my throat, but I’ve read the studies and the benefit is not nearly as great as he wants me to believe.

I was talking to two of my friends about this and they both said the same thing: you can’t stop taking it.  My response to that was: my body, my choice. I’ll be telling the same thing to my oncologist.

I stopped my Methotrexate last week.  I initially blamed the hair loss solely on that drug, since it too is known for causing hair loss, and I was warned this could happen. Its job is to kill rapidly dividing cells, which includes hair, so it’s not terribly surprising that I would see some hair loss.  However, I’m not going to continue to poison myself with this shit when it doesn’t even work.  My joints are still fucked like 50% of the time.  There was no difference in my condition during the time I was off the medication for over a month.  Still…my rheumatologist is going to flip her shit when she finds out.  **zero fucks**

So that is what I’ve been dealing with this week. It has been a hard week. Plus, my social media has been full of shit about the St. Louis Komen walk, which was this morning. I decided not to participate this year. I’m way over breast cancer.  I don’t want to think about it anymore. 

how is it already sunday?

  1. How is the weekend almost over?  Friday night I was in bed by 10 pm and I slept for ten hours. It was glorious. It would have been longer, but Saturday morning I took Jax to meet up with his dad at the comic book store for Free Comic Book Day.  I stood in a line for almost an hour so my kid could get some crappy free comics with his dad and feel cool. Parenting win. 
  2. I’m so over wearing the compression garment. It’s driving me fucking crazy. And I’m way ready to start wearing a bra again. Oh and I’m ready to run.  I’m also ready to get back to yoga. Recovering from surgery sucks.  If my plastic surgeon recommends another fat grafting I think I’m going to say no. Fuck this shit.  Besides, I’m running out of fat.  Okay, I’m done whining now.
  3. The boobs are still looking quite excellent, btw.  Looks like this round of fat grafting was a success.  Cleavage is the one good thing I got from breast cancer. 
  4. Last week I was using my space heater at the office, and today I’m bitching because it’s a touch too hot. I get like a week of weather I like per year.  At least it’s almost warm enough to swim.
  5. Jackson won’t stop singing Let It Go. It’s both adorable and annoying. 
  6. The bestie and I are going to Columbia on Tuesday night to see Tegan & Sara for her b-day. So excited! I want to go to Trops and Flat Branch. 
  7. Now I’m off to swallow 6 pills of Methotrexate and 1 folic acid. I don’t want to, but my right knee is swollen to the point where walking is difficult, so I guess it’s time to get back to it.