https://open.spotify.com/track/23DITgKYutJaurSN3EAZ2Z?plead=please-dont-download-this-or-our-lawyers-wont-let-us-host-audio

There was a week in 2013 where I listened to this song on repeat. It is a beautiful song, but it is a heartbreaking song, and it was the perfect soundtrack for my life at the time. I hadn’t listened to it since then, because it makes me cry, but it came on during an episode of The Sopranos we watched Saturday morning, and it took me right back to that time. I heard the first few notes and…boom. It’s remarkable how music is tied so closely with memories and feelings. 

It may not sound like it from my description above, but I really do love this song. Nobody can hit me in the feels quite like Otis. 

this is the last stop

Waking up to family drama via Facebook is not my ideal way to start a Sunday morning, but such is life. 

I haven’t posted much about all of this, mostly because I haven’t wanted to deal with it. (I think I did post about it once, but then I made the post private.) Anyway, my mom is really sick. It sounds like maybe it’s life threatening. I don’t really know for sure. I don’t have all the details. That may sound odd: like how do you not know if your mom is dying? Well…it’s really not that odd considering my family history. My remaining family is as follows: my mom and two younger sisters. None of us really talk to each other. The past is like a dark cloud that is always hanging over us and none of us know how to get out from under it. We try. Sometimes we succeed for a short while, but it always comes back. It feels a lot like being trapped. My defense mechanism is to just ignore it and hope that it will go away. It never stays away for very long.

So my mom is sick. One of my sisters is a heroin addict. My other sister is just sick of everyone’s shit and has pretty much isolated herself. She’s also very, very angry. We are all estranged due to a history of violence, abuse, and neglect. It’s no one person’s fault. Contrary to popular belief, I don’t blame my mom for it. I certainly used to, but I’m older now and I get how this shit happens. That said, we all are who we are, for better or for worse, and it has been my life’s goal to escape that history. To make a better life for myself. To ensure my child has a happy childhood. In an attempt to do so, I have left behind people whom I felt were toxic. Therefore, these relationships have fallen to the wayside.

I have a reputation within my family for being cold and/or unfeeling. Oh Jennifer doesn’t care about us. She thinks she’s better than us. Blah, blah, blah whatever. In reality, Jennifer is sad. Jennifer is broken. Jennifer is tired. And she’s sick of hearing excuses. She’s done with reliving her abusive past. She wants to concentrate on the future. If you want to be in that future, then you may have to change. If you can’t change, then that is on you. Not me. I love every single one of you, but sometimes love alone just isn’t enough. 

But I’m here. And I’m ready to try. The ball is in your court now. Don’t fuck it up. 

https://open.spotify.com/track/21k0ojAt6LlW1l4Bn9v0lL?plead=please-dont-download-this-or-our-lawyers-wont-let-us-host-audio

There is nothing that competes with habit
And I know it’s neither deep nor tragic
It’s simply that you have to have it

So you can make a killing
Oh you can make a killing
Oh you can make a killing

I wish I was both young and stupid
Then I too could have the fun that you did
Till it was time to pony up what you bid

So you could make a killing
Oh you could make a killing
Oh you could make a killing

I could follow you and search the rubble
Or stay right here and save myself some trouble
Or try to keep myself from seeing double

Or I could make a killing
Or I could make a killing
Oh I could make a killing
Yeah I could make a killing
I could make a killing

Who is someone you follow on tumblr that you think is underrated and deserves more attention?

morethananaveragebitch:

Aww little anon this question made me think and think. Especially because I follow some amazing people. I can’t say that my choice is underrated. I have no idea how many followers she has or anything like that. I will say when people ask for blog recommendations, she is on the top of my list.

http://pushinginthepin.tumblr.com/ 

She is always is honest and real. She is smart, funny, beautiful and has the kindest heart. She always takes time to comment and send out the love. She does this even when she is struggling with things herself. I thinks she is really fantastic and you should go follow her right now.

pushinginthepin

This made me cry. Seriously…so sweet and very unexpected.

I’ve gained a ton of new followers because of it. Hi!!! Welcome to my blog.