One year ago today I got the call.
You have breast cancer.
And even though I already knew, it was like someone punched me really hard in the chest. I felt like I couldn’t breathe, like i was underwater. The words didn’t quite make sense. I can’t remember anything else she said. I just remember the feelings that came along with those words.
Empty. Sad. Tired. Resigned.
Nothing else mattered.
A year is a long time. It changes you. Sometimes I’m surprised I made it. But here I am. I intend to make the most of the time I have left.
A year ago today I was an emotional mess, knowing that in less than 24 hours I was going to have a core biopsy to find out whether or not the masses in my left breast were cancerous. I knew they were. I just knew it deep down in my gut, and had known it from the moment I caught a glimpse of my inverted nipple. I would just sit there feeling the masses constantly and wondering how bad it was going to be. Would I die? Would i lose my breasts? Was my life insurance paid up? How could I leave Jackson without a mother at such a young age? Who would take over my cases?
I was cleaning out my email inbox early this morning, and came across an email exchange dated October 30, 2012. On this lovely day one year ago, I was also arguing with my boyfriend’s ex about Halloween party pics I posted to my old blog. She did not approve of me posting pics of him and I on the internet. As you might imagine, zero fucks were given, though I did remove the pics, because whatever. I had enough problems, and certainly didn’t need to deal with that bullshit on top of cancer stress.
It’s amazing what a difference a year can make.
I’m sitting here healing from my implant exchange, and I’m cancer free. I can feel free to shout about my love from the rooftops. I can post whatever pics I want. A lot of people still aren’t happy about it. They make their disapproval known in subtle ways. Well guess what? Zero fucks are still given.
I’m happy. It was all worth it. And I’m not sorry.