the bottom of the inbox

Last night, D was on a run and the kids were asleep, so I decided to tackle my personal gmail account. It had 1546 unread messages. *sigh*

It was an interesting experience going through all of the emails. I was able to unsubscribe from several email lists, which should hopefully result in a more clutter free email experience moving forward. Once I hit the June 2016 mark, I found an unread email from one of my college besties (hi, James!) telling me how happy he is that I’m happy, and how much he misses me. I felt like the biggest asshole for never responding. I immediately sent off a response apologizing for it, but I wanted to apologize here as well. Sorry, dude. You know I love you.

After deleting like 1500 emails, I finally reached the bottom of the inbox. This is a place I rarely visit. It holds some real gems, as well as some reminders of times I’d rather forget but for some reason can’t bring myself to delete.

The gems:

  • An email from 2011 written by an old colleague and detailing the hell that is going to muni court. It’s entitled “Gettin’ Outta Jail” and it’s still hilarious.
  • Several emails from late 2012 from D which contain attachments to songs he wrote, including a couple he wrote for me.  Winter for You still makes me cry.
  • A link to a sex video we made. Yeah, baby.
  • A few super sweet emails I received from friends during my cancer treatment.

The ugly:

  • An email from 5/2012 written by my ex-husband.
  • Two emails from 5/2012 written by my ex-MIL.
  • A disqus comment thread from 10/30/2012 which contains an argument I had with my boyfriend’s ex regarding content on my blog.
  • Emails from 5/2013 between D and myself that I simply refer to as “the great break-up exchange of 2013” and refuse to read because they will make me cry, despite how awesome things ended up. There are some brutal truths in those emails, and I see it as the point where we really took off the gloves and went for it. Balls to the wall.

I should really delete some of this stuff. But I just can’t. I don’t know why. It’s almost like I feel like if I delete it that I’m pretending it didn’t happen. I don’t know…it’s complicated.

Blog Challenge, Day 13: My earliest memory

This isn’t going to be pretty.

*domestic violence trigger warning*

While I do recall bits and pieces of various events in my young life, my most vivid “first” memory is from when I was around five years old. My mom woke me up in the middle of the night to go out looking for my step-dad. She parked our car in a 7-11 parking lot, and we waited quietly. It could have been minutes or hours. I had no concept for time. Eventually, however, we pulled out of the lot and started following another car. Finally, a few blocks from home, both cars pulled over and an argument broke out. I could see three people in the street: my mom, my step-dad, and some woman I didn’t recognize. It turns out that woman was my step-dad’s ex-girlfriend.

We ended up back at home, and I watched while my step-dad beat my mom up. She had to be at least six months pregnant with my sister at the time.

Other memories from around this same time include:

  • my step-dad throwing a coffee table at my mom. there were broken pieces strewn around the room.
  • my step-dad beating my mom up, locking her out of the house, and then looking over to me, casually asking, “Would you like some nachos?” All the while, my mom was hysterically crying and pounding on the front door, begging to be let back inside.
  • being scared. all the time. and feeling very intensely that i could only rely upon myself for anything ever.

i’ve got him where i want him now

I had a conversation recently with a good friend about how turned on we are by men who are really smart. Intelligence is such a major turn on for me. (So is a bit of arrogance, tbh). 

Back in 2012, the bf (before he was the bf) and I were sitting on my couch talking about stuff. He mentioned the title of his dissertation, and I knew in that moment that I wanted him to be mine. I jumped on him and we started making out. 

We caught on fire from there.

The rest is history. 

wonderful

Today we had lunch at one of the first places we ever went together, and it brought back a lot of memories. I remember the first time we were there, for dinner, and he stared at me so intensely I couldn’t even look him in the eye. I remember how fast my heart was beating, and the butterflies in my stomach. I think I knew, even then, that he was going to change my life forever. And he certainly has.

It’s crazy how much has changed since then. We have been through so much together in the last four years. A lot of good, some bad. Some really bad. But we are still together, better than ever, and about to buy a house together to turn into a home for our little blended family.

It’s everything I’ve always wanted. I’m so very happy.