Looking in

Tonight I picked up the very last of the boxes of stuff my ex-mil has been storing for me. There is a huge box filled with my old journals. I picked one at random to read. It covers 3/9/96 thru 12/21/96, which was the end of my junior year thru first semester of senior year of high school. It reads much like a bad teen romance novel. OMG I like this guy. No wait now I like this other guy. Oh shit I’m in love with some other guy and if he doesn’t love me back I’ll simply die. You get the idea. 

Anyway, on the inside of the back cover I had written the following:

She smiles through a thousand tears, and harbors adolescent fears. She dreams of all that she can never be. She wades in insecurity, and hides herself inside of me.

It made me gasp, but I didn’t immediately recognize it. I had to Google it, and found out it is a verse from a song by Mariah Carey called Looking In.

It’s funny how I still identify with the lyrics at 36 just as much as I did at 17. 

sometimes i get the feeling
that i won’t be on this planet
for very long
i really like it here
i’m quite attached to it
i hope i’m wrong

all i really wanna say
is you’re the reason i wanna stay
i loved you before i met you
and i met you just in time
‘cause there was nothing left

Ben Folds Five – Don’t Change Your Plans (via thisquintessenceof-dust)


On the day I went away… goodbye…
Was all I had to say… now I…
I want to come again and stay… Oh my my…
Smile, and that will mean that I may

Cause I’ve seen blue skies, through the tears
In my eyes
And I realise.. I’m going home.

Everywhere it’s been the same… feeling…
Like I’m outside in the rain… wheeling…
Free, to try and find a game… dealing…
Cards for sorrow, cards for pain

Cause I’ve seen blue skies through the tears
In my eyes
And I realise.. I’m going home.

I’m going home, I’m going home.

But he’s no good at being uncomfortable so he can’t stop staying exactly the same.

Extraordinary Machine (Fiona Apple)

The first time I heard these lyrics, I immediately thought of my (now ex) husband. We were still married at the time. In fact, we were rather newly married, as it was 2005. That probably should have been a red flag, huh? These words still ring true today.