Four years ago today, I was (officially) diagnosed with breast cancer. Happy Cancerversary to me! I’m still kicking ass and grabing life by the balls four years later, and I intend to do so for many more.
I feel exhausted. I keep almost falling asleep while driving. Not good. Not good.
Chronic fatigue is a real medical condition. I need to remember just how much I’ve endured, and stop giving myself shit for practicing self-care.
I’m stressed. I feel like everyone needs something from me, and I’m running out of stuff to give.
But nobody said it would be easy. Right?
I’m currently relaxing in my giant tub with bubbles, candles, and red wine. I have a man who loves and supports me. I have two amazing kids. I have awesome friends, and a kick ass career.
Everything’s gonna be just fine.
Day 16: Something I always think “what if…” about.
What if I had never had cancer? In what ways would I be different? What would I be doing?
Believe it or not, I wouldn’t change anything.
Day 11: Make a wish:
I wish to remain cancer free. As I quickly approach not only breast cancer awareness month, but also the anniversary of my diagnosis, and an oncology check up later in the week, recurrence is weighing heavily on my mind.
Last night, D was on a run and the kids were asleep, so I decided to tackle my personal gmail account. It had 1546 unread messages. *sigh*
It was an interesting experience going through all of the emails. I was able to unsubscribe from several email lists, which should hopefully result in a more clutter free email experience moving forward. Once I hit the June 2016 mark, I found an unread email from one of my college besties (hi, James!) telling me how happy he is that I’m happy, and how much he misses me. I felt like the biggest asshole for never responding. I immediately sent off a response apologizing for it, but I wanted to apologize here as well. Sorry, dude. You know I love you.
After deleting like 1500 emails, I finally reached the bottom of the inbox. This is a place I rarely visit. It holds some real gems, as well as some reminders of times I’d rather forget but for some reason can’t bring myself to delete.
- An email from 2011 written by an old colleague and detailing the hell that is going to muni court. It’s entitled “Gettin’ Outta Jail” and it’s still hilarious.
- Several emails from late 2012 from D which contain attachments to songs he wrote, including a couple he wrote for me. Winter for You still makes me cry.
- A link to a sex video we made. Yeah, baby.
- A few super sweet emails I received from friends during my cancer treatment.
- An email from 5/2012 written by my ex-husband.
- Two emails from 5/2012 written by my ex-MIL.
- A disqus comment thread from 10/30/2012 which contains an argument I had with my boyfriend’s ex regarding content on my blog.
- Emails from 5/2013 between D and myself that I simply refer to as “the great break-up exchange of 2013” and refuse to read because they will make me cry, despite how awesome things ended up. There are some brutal truths in those emails, and I see it as the point where we really took off the gloves and went for it. Balls to the wall.
I should really delete some of this stuff. But I just can’t. I don’t know why. It’s almost like I feel like if I delete it that I’m pretending it didn’t happen. I don’t know…it’s complicated.
It makes me so happy to get messages from fellow breast cancer survivors telling me that my blog has inspired them and/or helped them get through such a difficult time. I invite anyone who has any questions about breast cancer and/or simply needs to vent to please message me.
When I get fake mad at D, I like to tell him that I’m going to pinch his nipples, because I know he can’t get me back. He always exclaims, “No fair!”
I don’t really miss my nipples that much, tbh.
My aunt died this morning. Cancer. It wasn’t unexpected, but still quite sad.
And now I can’t stop thinking about fucking cancer.