the firm

I second guess myself way too much considering I’m almost always right (when it comes to work stuff that is). I guess it’s better to be safe than sorry?

Anyway, I just won a battle on behalf of two clients whose money had been garnished and I ended up getting the money back. All of it. Boom.

Winning always feels good, but it feels especially good when you win against an opponent whom you actually respect/admire. I must be doing something right. I guess. (<< see…i did it again).

We extended a job offer today for a legal assistant position. Should she accept, which I suspect she will, she will be our 5th employee. How the fuck is that even a thing? I still vividly remember when Scott and I were sitting across from each other, just the two of us, in a shared office space. We answered our own phones, scheduled our own appointments, made our own copies. Fuck, sometimes we even did house calls. The idea of having even one employee was a total mind fuck at that point.

Anyway, she (the newbie) will start mid-January. Just in time for busy season.

Though, honestly, every season is busy now, so I guess I should call it busier season.

Sometimes I think about how far we’ve come and I start to feel anxious. I try not to think about it too much. It feels precarious, like it could slip through my fingers at any time. Why do I deserve this? Yes, I worked hard, but so have others. Why me? Why now? ¬†It’s hard to relax.

Things are great. Business is good. My employees are awesome. The law partner and I are getting along better than ever. But I’m so burnt out. I need a real vacation. I need to get away from this place for a bit. ¬†I want to runaway and elope on a beach, and then spend a week drinking, sleeping, banging, reading, swimming, and zoning out. If it doesn’t happen soon, I may cut someone.

I feel the weight of this firm resting heavily upon my shoulders. There’s only so much one person can take. What is my breaking point? Hopefully, we don’t find out.

Nobody said it would be easy, am I right?

Not easy…but worth it. Always worth it.

if you don’t, don’t.

I had a sort of epiphany last night and I feel kind of silly because it’s like: Duh, Jenn! Seriously…duh.

Earlier this week a couple we are friendly with asked if D and I wanted to go to an event this Saturday night. I told her I needed to talk it over with D, but she was like oh I’ll just put you down. Um…okay. I was feeling pretty awkward about the situation and didn’t particularly want to go because the male half of this couple tends to get aggressive when drunk. By “aggressive” I really mean he follows me to the bathroom and starts groping me then doesn’t want to take no for an answer. It makes me extremely uncomfortable. Obviously. But otherwise I really like them.

So I was venting last night to our best couple friends about how I wanted to get out of it, but I didn’t want to hurt her feelings so I guess we would just go and blah blah blah. Our friends were basically like: Fuck that noise. Just don’t go. You aren’t comfortable with the situation so just tell her you aren’t going. I was like yeah but what reason should I give her, and my friend is like: YOU DON’T HAVE TO GIVE HER A REASON. And I was like holy shit…I don’t. I don’t have to give her a reason.

I felt like such a fucking moron for making such a fuss (in my mind) about hurting someone’s feelings and making up bullshit excuses, when really I should just be like: Thanks for the invite, but we have to pass.

So that’s what I did. And it felt amazing.

If you want to say no, say no. You don’t owe anyone an explanation about anything. These are things I tell my own friends, so why can’t I take my own advice? From now on, I will.

Thanks to Ann & Rob for being awesome…as always.

And this pic just feels very appropriate. Haha –

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pointless prattle

I don’t really like OITNB all that much. I find most of the characters to be annoying. I haven’t checked out the new season yet because meh. I’m all about that GoT, baby. I’ll watch OITNB¬†eventually though when I run out of actual good shows to watch.

I have never been so happy to fail at something. #vagueblogging

I think a little bit of jealousy is good for a relationship. Just a little bit though.

You know what else is good? Best friends who tell it like it is.

Ooh and donuts and cake and ice cream and…

I’ve been enjoying embracing my inner nerd. I’m all about this GoT card game.

Life is much more peaceful when certain people are getting laid on the regular.

Two of my toe nails are falling off because of an extremely cute but horribly uncomfortable pair of shoes that I refuse to stop wearing. Who needs toe nails anyway?

I’m toying around with the idea of deactivating¬†my Facebook. But what else is new, right? Ooh maybe I should just start a new one and then only friend certain people. Hmm.

I have 11 free Ticketmaster vouchers because of the class action settlement.

 

Someone recently told me that my confidence is sexy, and that is when I first realized that I am much more confident than I used to be a few years ago. I have spent most of my life feeling¬†shy and awkward and judged. Now I feel free and strong¬†and really couldn’t care less about other people’s judgments. It feels pretty fucking amazing tbh.

I hate the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Like really, really hate them. They’ve been getting a bunch of attention lately because of their new album and it’s pissing me off. Both Lithium and Alt Nation are all about them right now. Grr. (They are currently my second most hated band – behind TMBG. I def won’t be using any of my free vouchers to go see them. Ha!)

I’ve been pretty stressed recently. There is so much going on, so much to do, so little time. My life is about to drastically change. I need to take a deep breathe, let go of the tension, and just enjoy the ride.

stuff and things

  • I need these migraines to gtfo.
  • I spend a ridiculous amount of money on books. No regrets though.
  • I do have Kindle Unlimited, which helps a bit.
  • Maybe I should get a library card when I move?
  • Currently reading: The Girls by Emma Cline & Shrill: Notes from a Loud Woman by Lindy West. The latter was my BOTM club selection for June. I’m enjoying it more than I expected.
  • If you are a psychological horror fan, you must read I’m Thinking of Ending Things. I finished that one last night, and even gave it five stars on Goodreads, which I almost never do.
  • Since D is on work travel today, we can’t celebrate his birthday until he gets home tomorrow night. Boo.
  • So…I’m supposed to be celebrating Danielle’s birthday tonight instead.
  • D is only getting better with age. He’s even sexier now than when I met him. On all levels.
  • I had crazy, vivid, and disturbing dreams last night. I think it was because of that book. I was trapped in this house with a bunch of people, some of whom turned into zombie like creatures, and I ended up having to kill a bunch of them. One I stabbed to death with a fucking hanger. It was cray.
  • Oh and speaking of birthdays…I’m going on a girls trip in August for K’s birthday. So excited!
  • My own birthday is a little over a month away. I’m not sure what I want to do.
  • Tomorrow is hair cut day, and per usual I am torn between a pixie and growing it out a bit. *sigh*
  • It was 102 degrees yesterday and that is just disgusting and unacceptable. Fuck summer.
  • I think my ex has gotten to the point where he genuinely considers us to be friends. I say this because he has been calling me a lot lately and telling me random shit about his life, like he just wants to chat or is seeking advice. I’m not getting an I want to get back together vibe from him, despite the fact that he often remarks/whines that dating is brutal and he hates it. Though that may be just because he knows that’s not even a remote possibility for me. We have been able to talk about his dating life pretty candidly for a while now, but recently he has gotten a lot better about¬†hearing about D and Freya and our plans with the house. And sometimes he even brings it up himself. Like the other day he told me I was lucky to be in a long term, stable relationship. So…idk. I guess it’s a good thing, right?
  • Yesterday, he called to tell me something about our dog, Gracie. Gracie is 14 years old. She’s a miniature dachshund so apparently she could still have several years of good living ahead of her. I miss her. I would love another mini dachshund, except dogs are so much work. So high maintenance. The cat life is much easier.
  • Well…except when your cat is a total asshole like mine is.
  • This is all over the place. I could keep going, but I probably shouldn’t. Some of what is on my mind isn’t fit for public consumption. Haha.

monday musings

  • Does anyone else have bad eyelash days or is it just me? My eyelashes were not cooperating this morning.
  • I’m in love with my new shoes. I could get used to the Converse life.
  • I’ve seen a lot of people bitching about GoT spoilers recently. I get it. I really do. But you know people are going to do it, so why not just stay off of social media until you watch the episode? Your¬†failure¬†to stay¬†up to date on a show does not create an obligation on my part to not talk about it.
  • I’m currently reading the most delightfully fucked up book. I can’t wait to finish it tonight.
  • Someone’s incompetence just cost me¬†a bunch of money and even more aggravation. I’m frustrated. This is why I have to do fucking everything myself.
  • I have several friends who are poly. I could never be poly. I don’t have that much energy. I can barely keep up with the relationships I currently have.
  • Also, I’m a jealous person. Fucking is one thing, but D’s heart/mind has to belong to me and me alone.
  • My sunburn is bad. Ouch. I’m such a fuck up. I seriously just fail at summer. At least I got it out of the way early this year?
  • I can’t wait to see Jackson tonight!
  • I need to start packing and researching movers/storage companies and just ugh so much to do and so little time. I’m starting to feel a bit anxious.
  • Okay…back to my to-do list.

maybe I should lay off the Nyquil?

Last night, while high on Nyquil, I wrote this little poem:

Doubts creep in,
like thieves in the night,
stealing all the happy.

And I’ve also had the following lyrics stuck in my head since bedtime last night:

“I made my bed, I’ll lie in it. I made my bed, I’ll die in it.”

Miss World – Hole. Live Through This

It felt very profound last night, and I can’t figure out if that’s a bad thing. Like I was FEELING it. Hmm.

Oh and I’ve been nursing the dreaded Nyquil hangover all day. I feel like a zombie. Just another reason to avoid it, I suppose. Considering the amount of benzos and alcohol I consume on the regular, it’s sort of bizarre that something like Nyquil or Benadryl can kick my ass so hard.

I’m going to start taking Zyrtec tonight, because I can’t even with these allergies.

Really…I can’t even with this week. But that could be an entire blog post on its own.