A large glass of wine and a chat with the bf have given me perspective on the “my ex knows about my blog” situation.

I have spent a long time now feeling super guilty about the fact that I ended our marriage. It was absolutely not something he wanted, and he didn’t let me go easily. He fought for a good long time, and even pulled a few really dirty, manipulative tricks. I have forgiven him for that, and I give him a lot of leeway because of the guilt I continue to feel over breaking his heart.

When I see him nowadays, he often tells me about what is going on in his life: who he is dating, where he goes with his friends, etc. In the beginning, it was sort of hard to hear about all the fun he was having going out and living it up, because that was always something I wanted us to do together and he always refused. But I decided to grin and fucking bear it because that’s what you do.  He still does it now, but it’s not a big deal to me at this point. The point is: I certainly never, ever talk to him about anything going on in my life unless it concerns Jackson.  Because I’m not trying to rub his face in it.

But is that really fair? I’m not saying I want to rub his face in it, but is it fair for him to tell me all about his life while I keep mine quiet like some big dirty secret? It’s not a dirty secret. I am ridiculously happy now. I did what I had to do to be happy, and it wasn’t easy. I worked hard for this. I shouldn’t feel ashamed about it. That is bullshit.

And on some level it probably isn’t even him making me feel that way… it’s me. I’m doing this to myself. Because my guilt continues to eat at me, even now, despite all of my exclamations to the contrary. So really it’s my fault and it’s my problem.

This blog is mine. It means a lot to me. Probably more than it should. I’m not going to censor myself because he (or anyone else who doesn’t like it) may choose to read it. Fuck that. I have to move past this shit.

I totally get that reading this would make him unhappy, but that is a personal choice, and therefore it is his own personal problem. Not mine.

tl;dr: read at your own risk. 

That awkward moment…

when your ex texts you to say his friend in New Zealand found your blog through Mashable and messaged him to say, “So I saw your kid on the internet…”


I’m amazed he’s just now hearing about it, tbh. I figured that was a foregone conclusion. 

It’s now official: everyone I wanted to hide this shit from now reads it. 

*dramatic sigh*

*bangs head against wall*

To his credit, he’s not pissed. He’s just talking to me about it. 

But he did say he regretted reading the article. Since ya know…it shows my new life without him and all that. 

brb…dying inside

worth it

Today I got a hug from a colleague and fellow breast cancer survivor during court. She said her daughter saw my pic online and called to ask if that is what she went through during her radiation treatment. When she said yes, the daughter cried and apologized for not being more aware of what her mother had experienced.  My colleague, as she was hugging me, started to cry, and said, “Thank you so much, Jenn. They finally have an idea of what we go through. You are so brave.”

I almost lost my shit.

This alone has made the entire experience worthwhile.