what kind of fuckery is this?

Kid birthday parties are the absolute worst, like my own personal hell. 

The parents were awkward and clueless. The kids were fucking brats. 

And then there wasn’t even good birthday cake. It was a fucking angel food cake without frosting. Pass!

During the party, I got a message from my sister, who never fucking talks to me, asking me for money. Bitch, please.  At that point, I thought my head was going to explode. 

Fortunately, we went straight from the party to have dinner with D & F, and that totally turned the night around. *insert heart eyes*

how i wish you were here

I’m really missing my grandmother today. I’d give anything to sit at her kitchen table just one more time.

She used to always say to me, “Jenny, you are beautiful, and smart, and you are going places.”  She’s the only one who got to call me Jenny.

She would be able to help me with the needlepoint project I’m currently fucking up.

She used to say things like, “Once a task has first begun, never leave it till it’s done. Be the matter great or small, do it well or not at all.”  She told me that over and over again, and it stuck. It really did.  I think about that a lot when things get hard.

She was like a mother to me. I miss her everyday.

*sigh*

this is the last stop

Waking up to family drama via Facebook is not my ideal way to start a Sunday morning, but such is life. 

I haven’t posted much about all of this, mostly because I haven’t wanted to deal with it. (I think I did post about it once, but then I made the post private.) Anyway, my mom is really sick. It sounds like maybe it’s life threatening. I don’t really know for sure. I don’t have all the details. That may sound odd: like how do you not know if your mom is dying? Well…it’s really not that odd considering my family history. My remaining family is as follows: my mom and two younger sisters. None of us really talk to each other. The past is like a dark cloud that is always hanging over us and none of us know how to get out from under it. We try. Sometimes we succeed for a short while, but it always comes back. It feels a lot like being trapped. My defense mechanism is to just ignore it and hope that it will go away. It never stays away for very long.

So my mom is sick. One of my sisters is a heroin addict. My other sister is just sick of everyone’s shit and has pretty much isolated herself. She’s also very, very angry. We are all estranged due to a history of violence, abuse, and neglect. It’s no one person’s fault. Contrary to popular belief, I don’t blame my mom for it. I certainly used to, but I’m older now and I get how this shit happens. That said, we all are who we are, for better or for worse, and it has been my life’s goal to escape that history. To make a better life for myself. To ensure my child has a happy childhood. In an attempt to do so, I have left behind people whom I felt were toxic. Therefore, these relationships have fallen to the wayside.

I have a reputation within my family for being cold and/or unfeeling. Oh Jennifer doesn’t care about us. She thinks she’s better than us. Blah, blah, blah whatever. In reality, Jennifer is sad. Jennifer is broken. Jennifer is tired. And she’s sick of hearing excuses. She’s done with reliving her abusive past. She wants to concentrate on the future. If you want to be in that future, then you may have to change. If you can’t change, then that is on you. Not me. I love every single one of you, but sometimes love alone just isn’t enough. 

But I’m here. And I’m ready to try. The ball is in your court now. Don’t fuck it up. 

drama

I’m over it. 

But it almost feels like it wouldn’t be Memorial Day without it. 

Major family drama. 

Ex making me feel guilty about the state of his life. 

Ugh. 

But only I can control how I feel about all of it, and I’ve decided to let it go. It’s not going to ruin my day.  I’m going to go make a buffalo chicken pizza now, drink some beer, hang out with my kiddo, be a lazy ass, and enjoy my awesome life.

I’m also going to continue to be thankful to the men and women who lost their lives so that I can live like this. 

This chick I used to be good friends with, but with whom I had a falling out like ten years ago, mailed me a bunch of pictures of mine that she’s had all this time. I’m talking hundreds of pics. They arrived in a huge box. (She had these pics because she was working on a project for me that just never came together.) Anyway, the photos arrived at my office this morning and I quickly went through them. These are four of my favorites. 

There are so many pictures of my brother. And my biological dad. My grandparents. These pics are priceless. I’m so happy to finally have them back.

I cried, of course. I’ll look at them some more this weekend, probably accompanied by a bottle of wine, but for now I have to get it together and go to court.

keeping it real

I’ve noticed I’ve been censoring myself a bit lately. It’s because I have no idea who reads this blog. I mostly don’t care, as I’m a bit of an open book. Always have been. I guess I just worry about potentially hurting someone’s feelings. That said, I’ve got something I feel like writing about, and I’m just going to go for it. Blogging is a big form of stress relief for me, and I’m not giving that up for anyone.

Since my brother’s death, I’ve been trying to get some of my family relationships back on track. I have posted about that here. Unfortunately, I am struggling.  The root of the struggle is that I moved on from all of this family drama a long time ago.  My childhood fucking sucked for a variety of reasons: alcoholic & drug addicted parents, abuse, neglect, constant lies, no money, stealing, broken promises…the list goes on and on.  I always felt like a complete outcast because when I made it clear I wanted more from life than that, I was faced with scorn and ridicule. When it was time to go to college, I escaped, and I didn’t look back.

It’s weird to feel like the black sheep of the family because you aren’t a loser, but that’s exactly how I have always felt.  It was really hard for me to overcome all of that shit, but I did.  Many years of therapy saw to that.  I went out into the world and made a nice life for myself.  I created my own family.  I moved on.  I got over it. It was incredibly freeing to let go of all that anger and toxicity, and I’m never going back to that.

So it’s difficult now to get into this “we are one big happy family” thing. No matter how hard I try, I’m just not feeling it.  I’m not holding a grudge. I don’t hate anybody. I just don’t feel like pretending we have anything in common besides some bloodlines and a very fucked up history.

I feel like even more of a dick because this doesn’t apply to every family member. Just a few.  For example, I adore one of my sisters, but cannot tolerate the other. But am I really a dick because I don’t want to waste my time on a heroin addict who just wants to use me for money? Am I really a bad person because I don’t want my kid around ex-convicts, thieves, alcoholics, and drug addicts?

Fuck no. No. No. No. No. No.

Just because I love you, doesn’t mean I like you, and just because we are family doesn’t mean I have to deal with you.  If you aren’t willing to change for me, why should I change for you?