is this my life?

This has been a very difficult time, but I want to thank you all for reaching out to me with messages of support. It is a reminder that I have amazing friends, and that I am loved.  I appreciate your support more than words can say. Thank you so very much. ❤

My brother’s service/wake is on Sunday afternoon.  He is being cremated. I can’t believe this is actually happening. I’m going tomorrow to take my mom to pick out the flowers. I’m trying to keep it together. I’m trying to be strong while everyone around me is falling apart.

I’ll be doing okay, and then I’ll just randomly burst into tears. Like today at court.  I probably shouldn’t have been there, but life goes on, and people pay me to keep them out of jail, and so I shall.

But the sadness remains.

I love you, Chris. And I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry.

My father-in-law passed away early this morning. He has been fighting the effects of Multiple Sclerosis for over ten years. His was one of the worst cases the doctors had ever seen, and it never responded to any drugs. Back when he was diagnosed (I can’t remember the year, but Grant and I were still in college), he told us it wasn’t a big deal, and not to be worried. But then he slowly deteriorated before our eyes.

First he needed to use a walker. He hated that walker, and he refused to use it when it was time to walk down the aisle when Grant and I got married. Grant and Alyce walked him down. That was a big triumph for him. Then he couldn’t stand up anymore, so he got a scooter. Soon he couldn’t remember stuff, and would get confused. Eventually, he was bedridden and had no idea what was going on. I’m very glad he is no longer suffering, but I miss the great person he was. I’m sad that Jackson is going to be denied having a grandfather. If Dennis had been healthy, he would have been a great grandfather.

I was lucky enough to be able to say goodbye to him yesterday morning. I’m thankful for that. When I heard the phone ring at four this morning, I knew what it meant, and I cried.

Rest in peace, Dennis. We have missed you for a long time, and we will continue to do so.