Last night, as I was falling asleep, I thought to myself: sometimes you go to sleep and you just don’t wake up…like Chris. 

And my heart hurt.

I still can’t believe my little brother is gone.

It will be another four to six weeks before we know the cause of death.

He left behind four little boys. The twins are only two months old.

I just can’t…

is this my life?

This has been a very difficult time, but I want to thank you all for reaching out to me with messages of support. It is a reminder that I have amazing friends, and that I am loved.  I appreciate your support more than words can say. Thank you so very much. ❤

My brother’s service/wake is on Sunday afternoon.  He is being cremated. I can’t believe this is actually happening. I’m going tomorrow to take my mom to pick out the flowers. I’m trying to keep it together. I’m trying to be strong while everyone around me is falling apart.

I’ll be doing okay, and then I’ll just randomly burst into tears. Like today at court.  I probably shouldn’t have been there, but life goes on, and people pay me to keep them out of jail, and so I shall.

But the sadness remains.

I love you, Chris. And I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry.