let me get this straight…

You are 46 years old. You have four vehicles that you are financing. You want to keep three of them. Why? Nobody knows. You have no kids. You don’t have a spouse or significant other. So you are the only one who drives these vehicles. Oh and you live with your parents because you “can’t afford rent.”

Hmm. I wonder why?

I guarantee you that when I tell him he isn’t going to be allowed to keep three cars while asking the court to discharge his unsecured debts he’s going to flip his shit.


friday fuckery

Woke up this morning feeling very blah. Headache, etc. We had too much fun last night, and now I must pay.

It’s going to be a long day. After work, I have to pick Jackson up, take him shopping for a gift, and then take him to a two hour ninja gym birthday party, where I will be forced to make awkward small talk with random parents. Fuuuuuuuuck.

I might need some hair of the dog…

Yesterday was cut and color day, and my stylist really stepped up her game without me even having to say anything. My hair looks amaze-balls. Blue-black hair for the motherfucking win. I look sort of gothy. I like.

But now I’m like, oh fuck does she read my blog? Did she see that post where I bitched about my hair? I texted one of my¬†besties who also uses¬†her and told her my suspicions. I blamed it on “that fucking tit pic.” I swear to fucking god, you¬†post one pic of your inflamed, irradiated tit and all anonymity goes out the door. Haha.

So yesterday I met with this dick wad client of mine, and he was like, “Oh did you have your baby yet?” And I was thinking: are you fucking kidding me right now, fuck face? ¬†What I said was, “Well the only baby I have is almost seven ¬†years old now, so…” ¬†Fuck face was like, “Oh I thought you were about to have a baby.”

I don’t have the best body image or anything, and I think I need to lose like 15 pounds (though I’m technically well within my healthy body weight), but I didn’t/don’t even look remotely pregnant. Especially not pregnant enough to be about to fucking pop a baby out. Also, why do people still feel like it’s acceptable¬†to ask a woman if she is pregnant? How fucking stupid are you? Why are you even commenting on my body anyway, you stupid fuck? If I’m pregnant and feel like discussing it with you, I will bring it up. Please go die in a dumpster fire. Thanks.

In the next breath, he tells me that he and his wife have separated. SHOCKING, dude. Fucking shocking. I mean, you seem like such a catch and all.

I came out from the meeting and told the girls, who were like: yeah well there is something seriously wrong with that fucker so don’t even take it seriously.

Oh and on the way to work this morning I was almost involved in two accidents because people cannot be bothered to look before they start moving into the next lane over. So that’s how my day is going.

At least it’s Friday!!! What?!!


the lawyer life

The shittiest part of my job is having to sit down with uneducated, older, often sickly, people and explaining to them that they are likely going to lose their home.

It hurts my heart. Even after all these years.

My compassion is not yet dead, no matter how often life tries to kick my ass. On Monday morning, I will be begging opposing counsel to help me get them a loan mod.

better luck next time

I hear a lot of bullshit excuses and/or stories in my line of work, but this one is a doozy:

So this chick walks in today and wants to pay the attorney’s fees for her boyfriend’s traffic matter. We quoted him $100.00 to take care of a couple of insurance tickets. She says,”I had all the money to take care of this, but I seem to have misplaced it somehow between the parking lot and the door. Will you do it for $20 instead?”

Bitch, please.  Do I look like I was born yesterday? Next time, come up with a better scam.


by the numbers: wednesday edition

  1. I have been awake since 4 am.¬† It’s starting to show.
  2. Today was crazy busy at the office. This has become the new normal.
  3. I chose my new office space today. Our firm is expanding. We have acquired additional space, and I’m getting an office upgrade. This means I get to pick out new furniture, decorate, and all that fun stuff.¬† November 1st is the day we can occupy the space.
  4. I wore my super cute new boots today. I love them. However, they gave me a blister. Boo.
  5. I discovered a new business called Insomnia Cookies, which delivers fresh baked cookies from 11 am to 3 am.¬† I’m within their delivery area.¬† And this is just another reason why city living fucking rocks.
  6. #5 is also just another reason why I need to recommit to my exercise routine. It’s hard though. I step on the scale expecting a nightmare and I see 130. So then I shrug and figure it must not be as bad as I think. Besides…cookie delivery. #yolo
  7. My creepy client referred to me as “excellent eye candy” today. Ugh.¬† Think it; don’t say it. For fuck’s sake.
  8. I have decided it is time to expand my horizons when it comes to cooking.¬† I’ve built cooking up to be this difficult thing that I hate to do, but really it’s pretty easy, and sometimes kind of fun.¬† Today I made spaghetti squash, which is something I’ve been interested in trying for a few years now, and it turned out really well.¬† It was super yummy.¬†
  9. I finally broke down and purchased Mario Kart 8, so now Jax and I can play remotely with Dave & his daughter.  We did it tonight and it was super fun.
  10. And now I shall eat Greek yogurt and read. This is how I roll.