the chronic pain diaries

Everything hurts. It is 12:55 pm and I have yet to get out of bed. The culprits:

  • arthritis pain
  • nerve damage
  • chronic headaches
  • fibromyalgia
  • chronic fatigue

I’m a hot mess.

I try to keep it to myself. It just makes people sad when I bring it up. It’s not like there’s anything anyone can do about it.

My current meds:

  1. Tamoxifen (cancer med)
  2. Lexapro (depression)
  3. Lorazepam (anxiety/insomnia)
  4. Tramadol (pain med)
  5. Vagifem (hormone replacement)
  6. Celebrex (arthritis med/anti-inflammatory)
  7. Fioricet (headache med/muscle relaxer)
  8. Xanax (for when Lorazepam doesn’t cut it)

Today is a bad pain day, but hopefully tomorrow will be better. It doesn’t help that my shitty insurance fucked a bunch of stuff up and I have been off my Celebrex for over a week. I’ll finally be able to resume it today. 

Oh well…at least I can catch up on my blogging. Silver lining!

oh where, oh where can it be?

My motivation. It is missing, and has been for some time.

Even the smallest of tasks seem overwhelming.

I know it’s part of the depression I’ve been battling. Lexapro has helped so much, but I still feel like everything is so much harder than it should be. The chronic pain and tension headaches haven’t been helping the situation.

There isn’t any point to this post other than to just get it out. I thought about only posting this to my private blog, but then realized it was silly to be embarrassed about it. 

*sunday morning seven*

  1. We got home late last night (after midnight) and so we slept in. Jackson didn’t wake up until almost 10 am, which is unheard of. 
  2. My right foot really, really hurts. I’m pretty sure it’s an arthritis thing. I guess I need to pull out the pain meds, because it doesn’t show signs of stopping anytime soon. *sigh*
  3. That makes it difficult to follow through with our original plan of going to the zoo. 
  4. So instead it will be a movie day. 
  5. Timehop reminded me that two years ago the bf and I were in Cancun. It was our first big vacation together. My ex sent me this nasty email (in an attempt to ruin said vacation), telling me that I was a terrible mother for introducing our child to the person I had been dating for well over a year (and various other reasons as well). I was so fucking pissed off that day. I’m very glad we have moved past all that drama. I’ve gotta say though, my tweets from that day are hilarious. 
  6. That also reminds me of the time, not long after our separation, that my friend sent me screenshots of a conversation the ex was having on Facebook with a mutual friend. (This was after he blocked me). The phrases: “evil fucking cunt” and “epic whore” were used to describe me in that thread. Oh the joys of divorce!!
  7. What a lovely trip down memory lane this turned out to be. Haha. Though it’s remarkable how unfazed I am by it all now. Time heals. Now it’s time for leftover pizza and Jurassic Park 3 with my favorite boy. 

repeat after me: the grass is *not* always greener…

  • I’m feeling quite shitty today. Some sort of virus combined with arthritis flare up = blah.
  • But I woke up and ran a few miles anyway. Because balls to the wall, baby.
  • That used up my remaining energy for the day.
  • I’m in bed and cuddled up with my cat, which is my favorite form of self-care.
  • How do you know if you’re having a mid-life crisis?
  • I want to take a glassblowing class. I found one I’m thinking of signing up for. (Thanks to Melissa for the inspiration). 
  • I wish I could stop obsessing over every little flaw I see in myself. 
  • Despite all of this, I’m happy. Just mentally and physically exhausted. 
  • I’d probably benefit from taking the Lexapro, but I’m not going to take the Lexapro. 

where is my mind?

  1. Apparently, five glasses of wine plus two lorazepam equals eleven hours of uninterrupted sleep. I woke up at 11 am. That never happens.
  2. My joints are bothering me today, so this has been a bed/couch day for me. I’m bummed b/c I had to cancel plans over it, but this hasn’t happened in quite some time, and for that I am very grateful.
  3. I watched Oculus today (via Netflix). It was a decent horror movie. Worth watching, in my opinion.
  4. Current status: more Planet Earth. I’ll likely finish it today. Birds of Paradise are funny.
  5. I’m normally pretty anxious on Sundays, but I’m actually feeling optimistic about the upcoming week, and I recognize that so much of my own happiness really comes down to my attitude about life.
  6. I’m ready to have my kid back tomorrow. I miss him. Last week, he asked me if he could change his schedule to five days with me and then five days with his dad. I told him not now, but we could revisit the issue when he’s in high school. Not having him all the time is by far the worst part of divorce (for me). 
  7. New Game of Thrones tonight. Squee. 

1300

  • Welcome to my 1300th post. Crazy. 
  • My oncologist says I don’t have bone mets. He says it’s most likely post-mastectomy pain syndrome. Basically, it’s nerve damage caused from all the surgeries. There’s nothing to be done except take more pain meds. Apparently it’s quite common.
  • I’m relieved obviously, but I’m also like wtf. I mean it’s always something, right? I have yet another chronic pain condition? Fucking seriously?
  • My body clearly hates me. 
  • Oh and the insurance situation is so fucked. I don’t even know where to start with it. Honestly…I just can’t today.
  • I hardly slept last night due to anxiety, so I am way out of it today. I can barely keep my eyes open. It’s going to be a long day.
  • On a completely unrelated note: **Girls spoiler alert** I really enjoyed last night’s episode where Adam and Mimi Rose ended up hanging out with each others exes. I kept imagining myself and Dave in that situation, which was humorous. I think somebody would get cut.
  • I’m ready for my weekly lunch date with the bf. I need a hug, and maybe a beer.

no place for promises here

  • I want to be in a hot spring in Iceland.
  • I’m so very tired. 
  • My knee is fucked.  Arthritis flare up. That’s prob why I’m so tired.
  • I met the cutest little old couple today at the Jeff co office.  I kind of love them now. They made me laugh.  The old guy was like, “Tell Scott I said hi. He and I are tight.” Adorable.  It’s refreshing to meet the good ones. The good ones keep me going.
  • I’ve been ridiculously stressed this last week. I can’t even write it down. It’s just too much.
  • Been listening to The Bones Of What You Believe over and over and over. *IT’S SO GOOD*
  • I bought a new blanket for my bed and I love it. I may just stay here for a while. I have my bed, wine, and my laptop. What else do I really need?
  • My boyfriend. I need him here, too.  And maybe a cupcake or three.
  • For dinner, I ate 840 calories worth of feta & caramelized onion tarts. No regrets.  I love Trader Joe’s.
  • Oh and also pork bao. I fucking love that shit. You can also get that at TJ’s.
  • The bf and I have been watching True Detective. I can’t figure out if I’m into it or not. I’m going to finish it b/c I feel like I should.  But GoT has been so awesome this season. The last episode was amazing, and I think I’m going to re-watch it.  I’m super excited about OITNB season 2. It’s almost time!
  • It’s time to get hardcore about working out. I want to get into better shape.  I plan on doing some yoga tomorrow morning, along with squats, planks, and abdominal work. I’m going to keep track of my progress with pics, and keep using My Fitness Pal (I love that app so much).   I may post the before pic here if I’m brave enough.
  • Why am I still awake?