on this day

On this day, two years ago, I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  Invasive Lobular Carcinoma. Stage IIb. 

On this day, two years ago, I collapsed on the floor of my office and cried. I was certain I had received a death sentence.

On this day, two years ago, I faced the knowledge that I would lose my breasts. That I would lose my hair due to chemo treatments. I faced the reality that, like so many of us, I always chose to ignore: that I am mortal and that someday I will die, and that the moment of my death might be much sooner than I ever expected.

It would be really easy for me to fall into a depression today.  I could sit here and relive every agony I faced during those early days of being a cancer patient, and the ones I continue to face even now. I could cry and mourn the girl I used to be; the one I left behind.

Instead, I will celebrate the gift of my life. Because it is a gift. A tremendous gift. One for which I am very thankful.  Sometimes I miss the girl I used to be, but I think the woman I have become is pretty fucking fantastic, and though it hurts a little to admit it, that is at least in part due to having endured breast cancer.

So here’s to living.  Happy Cancerversary to me!

Jenn: 2

Cancer: 0

Happy November

One year ago today I got the call. 

You have breast cancer.

And even though I already knew,  it was like someone punched me really hard in the chest.  I felt like I couldn’t breathe, like i was underwater.  The words didn’t quite make sense. I can’t remember anything else she said. I just remember the feelings that came along with those words.

Empty. Sad. Tired. Resigned.

Nothing else mattered.

A year is a long time.  It changes you.  Sometimes I’m surprised I made it.  But here I am.  I intend to make the most of the time I have left.

gee, ain’t it funny how time just slips away?

A year ago today I was an emotional mess, knowing that in less than 24 hours I was going to have a core biopsy to find out whether or not the masses in my left breast were cancerous.  I knew they were. I just knew it deep down in my gut, and had known it from the moment I caught a glimpse of my inverted nipple. I would just sit there feeling the masses constantly and wondering how bad it was going to be. Would I die? Would i lose my breasts? Was my life insurance paid up? How could I leave Jackson without a mother at such a young age? Who would take over my cases? 

I was cleaning out my email inbox early this morning, and came across an email exchange dated October 30, 2012.  On this lovely day one year ago, I was also arguing with my boyfriend’s ex about Halloween party pics I posted to my old blog. She did not approve of me posting pics of him and I on the internet. As you might imagine, zero fucks were given, though I did remove the pics, because whatever. I had enough problems, and certainly didn’t need to deal with that bullshit on top of cancer stress. 

It’s amazing what a difference a year can make. 

I’m sitting here healing from my implant exchange, and I’m cancer free.  I can feel free to shout about my love from the rooftops. I can post whatever pics I want.  A lot of people still aren’t happy about it.  They make their disapproval known in subtle ways.  Well guess what? Zero fucks are still given. 

I’m happy. It was all worth it. And I’m not sorry.