It has been almost a year since we lost you.
Sometimes I think about that Thanksgiving in 97, when I came home from college and worked at that shitty German restaurant with Katie. You guys had Thanksgiving dinner without me, and by the time I got home I was exhausted. Who knew so many old people liked eating out on Thanksgiving? Anyway, everyone else was in bed, but you waited up for me. I immediately threw myself on the couch, and within a few minutes you had appeared with a plate of food. Then you sat with me and we watched a movie.
Sometimes the smallest gestures make the biggest impact. Your gesture meant so very much and the selflessness and genuine sweetness behind it nearly broke my heart. You were such a sweet boy. It always sort of amazed me. How does something so sweet and pure develop out of a pile of shit? How did it never break your spirit? Or did I maybe just not see it because I was fighting my own demons? I’m sorry if I failed you.
I miss you, and I love you. I just wanted you to know.
Today is my brother’s birthday. He would have been 28 years old.
I still can’t believe he’s gone.
Last night, as I was falling asleep, I thought to myself: sometimes you go to sleep and you just don’t wake up…like Chris.
And my heart hurt.
I still can’t believe my little brother is gone.
It will be another four to six weeks before we know the cause of death.
He left behind four little boys. The twins are only two months old.
I just can’t…
This has been a very difficult time, but I want to thank you all for reaching out to me with messages of support. It is a reminder that I have amazing friends, and that I am loved. I appreciate your support more than words can say. Thank you so very much. ❤
My brother’s service/wake is on Sunday afternoon. He is being cremated. I can’t believe this is actually happening. I’m going tomorrow to take my mom to pick out the flowers. I’m trying to keep it together. I’m trying to be strong while everyone around me is falling apart.
I’ll be doing okay, and then I’ll just randomly burst into tears. Like today at court. I probably shouldn’t have been there, but life goes on, and people pay me to keep them out of jail, and so I shall.
But the sadness remains.
I love you, Chris. And I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry.