dear brother

It has been almost a year since we lost you. 

Sometimes I think about that Thanksgiving in 97, when I came home from college and worked at that shitty German restaurant with Katie. You guys had Thanksgiving dinner without me, and by the time I got home I was exhausted. Who knew so many old people liked eating out on Thanksgiving? Anyway, everyone else was in bed, but you waited up for me. I immediately threw myself on the couch, and within a few minutes you had appeared with a plate of food. Then you sat with me and we watched a movie. 

Sometimes the smallest gestures make the biggest impact. Your gesture meant so very much and the selflessness and genuine sweetness behind it nearly broke my heart. You were such a sweet boy. It always sort of amazed me. How does something so sweet and pure develop out of a pile of shit? How did it never break your spirit? Or did I maybe just not see it because I was fighting my own demons? I’m sorry if I failed you. 

I miss you, and I love you. I just wanted you to know. 

Last night, as I was falling asleep, I thought to myself: sometimes you go to sleep and you just don’t wake up…like Chris. 

And my heart hurt.

I still can’t believe my little brother is gone.

It will be another four to six weeks before we know the cause of death.

He left behind four little boys. The twins are only two months old.

I just can’t…

love ridden

  • I can’t believe I’m about to say this, but I’m so glad it’s Monday.  I’m glad the funeral is over. It was one of the hardest days ever. I seriously couldn’t have made it through without my bf. He has been so amazing throughout this nightmare. He took excellent care of me yesterday. He drove me to the funeral, and sat with me for over six hours. He held me while I cried. He fed me when it was over. He’s amazing, and I didn’t think it was possible to love him anymore than I already did, but somehow I do.
  • He also met my family for the first time yesterday. Obviously it wasn’t the ideal circumstances under which to meet them, but it went pretty well all things considered.
  • In other news, I’m super excited about Thanksgiving this week. I want pie.
  • I finally get to see Jackson tonight. I haven’t seen him since Tuesday morning, so I’m very anxious to get him home. I’m excited that we will be together every day for the next week, with the exception of tomorrow. We need some mommy/son bonding time.  I think the hardest part of my brother’s funeral was seeing my mom fall apart. Her baby died. I kept thinking: what if it was Jackson? And then I would feel like I couldn’t breathe.  Losing a brother is hard. Losing a child…there are no words.
  • The bf and I restarted My Fitness Pal today. My starting weight is 130.1. I want to lose about five pounds, but I’m going to try to not obsess over it. The goal is to be more calorie aware and more active. Thanksgiving is definitely going to be a cheat day though. That was already discussed. (if you use the app, please add me, as I need the encouragement: lawgirljenn)
  • I’m currently reading a book called After I Do by Taylor Reid. It’s (fiction) about a married couple who is falling out of love, and decide to take a one year break from their relationship.  I’m not done yet, but I’ve identified with quite a bit of what I’ve read, and I think it’s a good read for anyone (but especially a female) who has gone through a separation (or divorce).
  • Happy Monday. Life is short: eat the cake, drink the beer, and tell your people that you love them. This is my new motto. ❤

is this my life?

This has been a very difficult time, but I want to thank you all for reaching out to me with messages of support. It is a reminder that I have amazing friends, and that I am loved.  I appreciate your support more than words can say. Thank you so very much. ❤

My brother’s service/wake is on Sunday afternoon.  He is being cremated. I can’t believe this is actually happening. I’m going tomorrow to take my mom to pick out the flowers. I’m trying to keep it together. I’m trying to be strong while everyone around me is falling apart.

I’ll be doing okay, and then I’ll just randomly burst into tears. Like today at court.  I probably shouldn’t have been there, but life goes on, and people pay me to keep them out of jail, and so I shall.

But the sadness remains.

I love you, Chris. And I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry.