winter is coming

  1. I woke up this morning and was almost instantly annoyed because it’s so fucking cold. I went outside and it was snowing. Just flurries, but still. I hate cold weather so much. There are maybe six weeks out of every year where I’m actually happy with the weather. I should move back to Southern California.
  2. I am mostly moved into my new office. It’s huge, and it feels empty. I think I need to put a couch in there. Something. It’s also really cold in there.¬† It’s a really ugly green color. I’m not feeling that at all.¬† That’s going to have to go.¬† Anyway, I’m in decorating mode. I need it to feel more cozy and Jenn-like.
  3. I have been in a super grumpy mood all day (see #1) and then I checked my mail to find that I had a save the date card from honoluluorbust. I’m so happy and excited for him.¬† He’s one of my oldest friends, and I’m super pumped about his wedding. His fiance is the coolest, sweetest guy ever.¬† OMG SO EXCITED.
  4. Leaving the office early to drink beer and eat chocolate covered cherries also helped improve my mood. I still think I could benefit from a nap before my bf gets here. He told me I better not be grumpy when he gets here.¬† He’s going to get laid either way so does it really matter? We shall see.¬† Besides, I’m always nice to him. He’s too cute for me to be mean to him.
  5. Wanna see my “nipple”?

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Guess whose mood is back on track?

Today my surgeon gave me the all clear. This means bras, running, and no more compression!  Basically, life is back to normal.

She also told me to stop losing weight, because I “look really good.” She’s the expert and she saw me naked today, so…

HAPPY FACE

Tonight the boyfriend and I are having dinner at BWW. I shall eat all the chicken in celebration of this glorious day. ‚̧

how is it already sunday?

  1. How is the weekend almost over?  Friday night I was in bed by 10 pm and I slept for ten hours. It was glorious. It would have been longer, but Saturday morning I took Jax to meet up with his dad at the comic book store for Free Comic Book Day.  I stood in a line for almost an hour so my kid could get some crappy free comics with his dad and feel cool. Parenting win. 
  2. I’m so over wearing the compression garment. It’s driving me fucking crazy. And I’m way ready to start wearing a bra again. Oh and I’m ready to run. ¬†I’m also ready to get back to yoga. Recovering from surgery sucks. ¬†If my plastic surgeon recommends another fat grafting I think I’m going to say no. Fuck this shit. ¬†Besides, I’m running out of fat. ¬†Okay, I’m done whining now.
  3. The boobs are still looking quite excellent, btw.  Looks like this round of fat grafting was a success.  Cleavage is the one good thing I got from breast cancer. 
  4. Last week I was using my space heater at the office, and today I’m bitching because it’s a touch too hot. I get like a week of weather I like per year. ¬†At least it’s almost warm enough to swim.
  5. Jackson won’t stop singing Let It Go. It’s both adorable and annoying.¬†
  6. The bestie and I are going to Columbia on Tuesday night to see Tegan & Sara for her b-day. So excited! I want to go to Trops and Flat Branch. 
  7. Now I’m off to swallow 6 pills of Methotrexate and 1 folic acid. I don’t want to, but my right knee is swollen to the point where walking is difficult, so I guess it’s time to get back to it.¬†

seven

  1. All Easter has inspired in me is a slight depression and the overwhelming urge to eat every Cadbury egg ever made. 
  2. My mom texted me today. I didn’t know what to say so I texted her back a picture of Jackson. I fucking fail at dealing with my family. ¬†It’s just too much, and I’m just too tired. I’m never going to get past it all, it seems. ¬†I’ve tried. Oh, how I’ve tried. But I’m just so used to being alone now, that this is the only thing that makes sense to me. ¬†Silence is easy.
  3. That two mile walk really kicked my ass. I feel EVERYTHING. ¬†I’m doing it again tomorrow though. Physically it sucked, but mentally it was so good.¬†
  4. My boobs look fucking fantastic. I just keep looking down at them in amazement. I can’t wait to put them in a bra.¬†
  5. I’m currently reading Heart Shaped Box by Joe Hill because I saw eyesopenwide blog about it the other day (#27, btw). ¬†I’m a big horror fan, but somehow this escaped my attention. ¬†I’m halfway through it, and holy fuck it’s good.¬†
  6. Jackson told me today that he knows the easter bunny is not real and is just a costume. He’s four. ¬†I was impressed. ¬†I didn’t bother trying to change his mind ¬†I have always felt conflicted about stuff like the easter bunny, santa, and the tooth fairy. ¬†
  7. Back to the office tomorrow. It will be good to get back to regular life, but I’m kind of nervous about it. ¬†Sunday night anxiety strikes again.¬†

welcome back

I can hardly remember the last 48 hours. Last night, I decided to stop taking the pain pills, because I was in a narcotic haze and feeling all kind of crazy. ¬†I think I freaked my bf out a little last night. (Sorry, baby. <—see what I did there? haha)

I waited until Dave was here last night to finally take my shower (because last time I passed out in the shower all alone and it was bad news). So I took off the compression garment for the first time, and it was kind of crazy. ¬†I’m really swollen and bruised. ¬†It seems worse than last time, but I may not be remembering correctly (because drug haze). However, I know in a couple of weeks things are going to be so much better. ¬†It will all be worth it. ¬†I’m passing the time by looking at bikinis online. I can’t wait to try some on.

I’m ready to get the hell out of this bed, but I’m forcing myself to relax until tomorrow when my sweet boy gets dropped off. I can’t wait to see him. ¬†In the meantime, I will lounge about and watch Parenthood. ¬†I can think of worse things.¬†

I have no appetite, so I have to force myself to eat. ¬†I want to have sex, and I can’t. I also want to run, but definitely can’t do that. This recovery shit is lame as fuck.

anyone can find the same white pills…

I’ve got Pain by Jimmy Eat World stuck in my head. ¬†And for a good reason. ¬†My fat grafting surgery was this morning. ¬†Everything went well, and I’m now at home recovering. ¬†I am in a tremendous amount of pain. ¬†OMG. ¬†Two oxycodone every four hours is barely taking the edge off, and the bruising is fucking epic. ¬†Liposuction is no joke. ¬†However, my boobs look absolutely amazing! I’m so pleased with the results.¬†

Dave and Ann took turns taking care of me today.  I am so grateful to have them in my life, and words cannot adequately express how much they both mean to me. So much love. 

After I woke up, the nurse went back to get Dave, and he signed the discharge paperwork as my caretaker. It’s so weird to think back to where we started and then consider where we are now.¬†

Then he took this pic, which he posted on Facebook, and remarked that even after surgery, I still look better than him. (An obvious falsehood, b/c just look at him. He’s fucking adorable.)

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Considering what a hot mess I am in this pic, it must be love. ‚̧ ¬†I mean fuck, I’m still covered in all that nasty orange shit they smear all over you before surgery.

(That is tape you see covering my nose ring and industrial. ¬†The nurses were flipping their shit when I told them the jewelry couldn’t come out. So they put tape on them instead. Go figure.)

when it’s over

I saw my plastic surgeon yesterday for my final follow-up appointment.¬† She said that the incisions look great, and that she is pleased. She brought up nipple reconstruction again, and said that she’s concerned my radiation boob cannot handle the surgery to create the bump, especially considering how long it took my incisions to heal.¬† She recommends doing a 3D nipple tattoo instead. I am not too bummed about it, because the reconstruction was actually my last choice. I’m debating between the 3D nipple and a regular tattoo. I think the regular tattoo is winning. I like the idea of flowers or hearts.¬† I like that it would cover the entire scar instead of just a portion of it. I think that would look better. I’m going to use my scar strips for a few months while I figure out exactly what I want.

We also talked about doing another round of fat grating.¬† Probably in April. She says she can make them look better.¬† I’m not sure where she is going to take the fat from. We are running out.¬† Is this an excuse for me to eat a lot of cookies and cupcakes?

It was weird to leave the office yesterday knowing that I don’t have to go back if I don’t feel like it. If I do decide to go the 3D nipple tattoo route, I’m not doing it at their office. If I don’t want to do more fat grafting, I have no reason to go back.¬† With the exception of the Tamoxifen I take on a nightly basis, cancer treatment is a thing of the past. I know I’m lucky, and I’m certainly happy about it, but it does feel weird.¬†

I made it.