Late night musings

Once upon a time, this dude told me that having a blog all about myself was ridiculous and implied that I was incredibly vain. While it may very well be the case that I am vain, I don’t think it’s vain or ridiculous to have a blog. It’s not like I ask people to read this. In fact, I’ve only ever purposefully shared this blog with a few close friends. Everyone else found it in other ways; the most notable of which being Titfest 2015.

And maybe I am vain. I’m the center of my own little universe. Me, Dave, and the kids are in the center. There are a few rings of friends floating around us. Outside of that, I don’t see much. I’ve withdrawn into my only little bubble filled with the people I love, my firm, my (soon to be built) new house, my friends, my cat, and the silly little things that I love. And I choose to document them here because it makes me happy to look back and reflect on the lovely little world I’ve made for myself. I don’t see anything wrong with that.

perspective

A large glass of wine and a chat with the bf have given me perspective on the “my ex knows about my blog” situation.

I have spent a long time now feeling super guilty about the fact that I ended our marriage. It was absolutely not something he wanted, and he didn’t let me go easily. He fought for a good long time, and even pulled a few really dirty, manipulative tricks. I have forgiven him for that, and I give him a lot of leeway because of the guilt I continue to feel over breaking his heart.

When I see him nowadays, he often tells me about what is going on in his life: who he is dating, where he goes with his friends, etc. In the beginning, it was sort of hard to hear about all the fun he was having going out and living it up, because that was always something I wanted us to do together and he always refused. But I decided to grin and fucking bear it because that’s what you do.  He still does it now, but it’s not a big deal to me at this point. The point is: I certainly never, ever talk to him about anything going on in my life unless it concerns Jackson.  Because I’m not trying to rub his face in it.

But is that really fair? I’m not saying I want to rub his face in it, but is it fair for him to tell me all about his life while I keep mine quiet like some big dirty secret? It’s not a dirty secret. I am ridiculously happy now. I did what I had to do to be happy, and it wasn’t easy. I worked hard for this. I shouldn’t feel ashamed about it. That is bullshit.

And on some level it probably isn’t even him making me feel that way… it’s me. I’m doing this to myself. Because my guilt continues to eat at me, even now, despite all of my exclamations to the contrary. So really it’s my fault and it’s my problem.

This blog is mine. It means a lot to me. Probably more than it should. I’m not going to censor myself because he (or anyone else who doesn’t like it) may choose to read it. Fuck that. I have to move past this shit.

I totally get that reading this would make him unhappy, but that is a personal choice, and therefore it is his own personal problem. Not mine.

tl;dr: read at your own risk. 

I feel like this should be obvious, but let’s do it anyway.

Last night I received a message from one of my followers expressing concern/distaste for my use of words such as cunt and bitch, which she perceives as being offensive and sexist. (**I get that she’s coming from a good place. She wasn’t nasty about it.  I have no hard feelings against her. I respect her opinion).  I decided I wanted to address this here (instead of privately) because I think it’s important that this concept be understood by anyone who chooses to read this blog. So here we go:

I’m 35 years old. I’m a grown ass woman. I have lived through abuse and neglect. I pulled myself up out of the pits of hell and put myself through college. I graduated from law school and passed the bar. I’ve created a successful law firm from six thousand dollars and raw determination. I’ve been married and divorced. I have a kid. I’ve survived Stage IIb breast cancer. These life experiences have shaped me into the person I am today.  That person doesn’t suffer fools gladly.  She speaks her mind.  She doesn’t tolerate bullshit.  She is passionate and sometimes she rants in her blog because it’s better than starting a bunch of drama by actually saying it aloud (a lesson I learned the hard way). I use profanity. I use it often. If you don’t like it, then you can choose not to read this blog. I keep it real here, and this is me. I’m not all kittens & rainbows. I don’t pretend to be.

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion.  You may believe that terms like cunt and bitch are sexist terms. You may feel like a real feminist wouldn’t use such terms.  My opinion is that feminists should get good with women making choices we ourselves wouldn’t necessarily make, because we are just happy that women are able to make those choices.

This blog is all about me. What I do. What I like. What I don’t like, and sometimes who I don’t like. I write it for me, and only for me. I don’t care about hearts or even if anyone ever reads any of it. I sit here now with almost 300 registered followers, and while I do enjoy the relationships I’ve made here, that isn’t why I blog.  So if you don’t like it, do me a favor and unfollow me. Please don’t send me a message to tell me about how you are disappointed with my choices. I don’t care.

You know why? Because I’m a fucking bitch.  And I’m good with that.

a little q&a

I was tagged by the awesome perpetualtoska

1. Why did you pick your URL?

It’s a lyric from a song called Pin that I really identified with when I created this blog back in 2012. I’m always feeling things out/pushing my limits, so it felt appropriate. 

2. What’s your middle name?

The one I was given at birth was Rose.  I changed it to my maiden name after I got married back in 2004 because it sounded more lawyerly. Ha.

3. If you could own a fictional pet, what would it be?

I fantasize from time to time about getting a fat orange cat to add into the mix. I fucking love cats.

**though a raven like Maleficent has would be pretty bad ass.

4. Favorite color. 

Pink.

5. Favorite song. 

I can’t pick just one. Impossible. 

6. Favorite fandoms?

Game of Thrones. I’m a huge GoT nerd. I’m planning a viewing party on April 12th, which will require costumes and themed food. I’m confident only myself and the bf will attend.  But really that’s absolutely perfect. 

7. Why do you enjoy Tumblr?

I love having a place to journal/blog.  I look at Tumblr as a digital scrapbook of my life.  It’s made even better by the fact that it’s a social media site. I’ve met some amazing friends here. 

8. Tag 9 others.

atwistedlittleshow, itsjustcarrie, justanotherinternetbitch, causticgrip, walruswidow, beerformysunshine, eclectic-blvd, julietsmuse, hadesonthedancefloor

Sorry if you’ve already been tagged for this. Tagging causes me anxiety!!