just breathe 

I feel exhausted. I keep almost falling asleep while driving. Not good. Not good. 

Chronic fatigue is a real medical condition. I need to remember just how much I’ve endured, and stop giving myself shit for practicing self-care.

I’m stressed. I feel like everyone needs something from me, and I’m running out of stuff to give. 

But nobody said it would be easy. Right? 

I’m currently relaxing in my giant tub with bubbles, candles, and red wine. I have a man who loves and supports me. I have two amazing kids. I have awesome friends, and a kick ass career. 

Everything’s gonna be just fine.

just a passenger

I have Sunday night anxiety in a big way. I haven’t had this in several weeks. I’m bummed that it’s back. I think it has something to do with the court hearing I have tomorrow morning.

In at attempt to quell said anxiety, I have taken two Tylenol PM. I am happy/proud to say that I haven’t had any Xanax or Lorazepam in over a month now. Go Jenn!

While I’m waiting to fall asleep, I figured I’d do a weekend recap –

  • Friday night was very chill. The boy and I hung out at home. I did much reading. This has actually been a very reading intensive weekend. I finished four books (though 2 were novellas to be fair) and I started a fifth.
  • I also started packing! I started with my closet. There is still a lot to do, but I can’t do more without acquiring some more packing supplies. I guess I know what I’m doing tomorrow after work.
  • Last night, D & I went out for dinner and drinks. We played some foosball. Then we headed over to The Ready Room for the Drowners/The Joy Formidable show. It was so, so, so good.
  • Today (Sunday) has been very relaxing. I woke up with all of my loves in one place, which always makes me happy. It’s crazy to think that in just a couple of months that will be happening regularly. After D & Freya headed home, Jackson and I chilled. We watched shows and hung out in a giant pile of blankets & pillows on the couch. I read and journaled. Then watched GoT, which was amazing. It was a good day.
  • I’m sad that the weekend is mostly over. It always goes too quickly.
  • Oh well. Gotta make that money to pay for the house and all the beautiful things I want to buy to put in it.

 

anxiety of the sunday night variety

  • I hate it. It’s a shitty way to end an otherwise completely fabulous weekend. 
  • This morning upon waking: Me: Good morning, Jackson. Him: Mom, wouldn’t it be cool if a penguin was on top of the Eiffel Tower? Me: Totes.
  • Super productive weekend though. Work, cleaning, laundry, lots of kid bonding time, finished a book, read a novella, epic three hour nap, etc. For the record, if you dig horror you should check out The Mourning House by Ronald Malfi. 
  • Seeing my mom was cool. It went really well. I’m pleased. Hopeful even. 
  • Watching the season finale of Girls. My absolute favorite quote of this season was in the first half of this episode: “She has a lot to say about the feminist approach of being a fucking bitch.” I lol’d. 
  • I love Lena Dunham. I wish I had her confidence. 
  • I feel lucky and spoiled and not good enough all at the same time.
  • Forever fucking tired.
  • Busy week ahead. That’s part of what’s causing the anxiety. 
  • The end. 

oh where, oh where can it be?

My motivation. It is missing, and has been for some time.

Even the smallest of tasks seem overwhelming.

I know it’s part of the depression I’ve been battling. Lexapro has helped so much, but I still feel like everything is so much harder than it should be. The chronic pain and tension headaches haven’t been helping the situation.

There isn’t any point to this post other than to just get it out. I thought about only posting this to my private blog, but then realized it was silly to be embarrassed about it. 

it’s officially monday now

Because it’s after midnight. And I’m still awake because anxiety. 

I’m off today, but having the day off is not awesome when it involves going to the dentist. *sigh*

*BUT*

I won’t have to wake up super early.  The five am mornings have been killing me. 

Also, I will be able to get in a run after I drop the kiddo at school. My Sunday morning run was tough, but I felt really good after.

*AND*

Tonight I get to hang out with Jackson and Freya so it could definitely be worse.  I’m going to make spaghetti for dinner. Plus, we will probably make cutesy videos and play hide & seek. So yay for kid bonding time. 

running

is always the answer to relieving my stress & anxiety. I always feel so much better about myself and about life afterward. There is no drug that can provide this same feeling. 

I did 5k tonight. I think I want to do the 10k Go STL (Halloween) race in October. I have some work to do in order to pull that off, but I love having goals so yay. 

Two years ago I ran the October half-marathon. I’d love to do it again, but I just don’t think my knee can handle it.