I wrote this late last night, after consuming half a bottle of wine, and I’ve decided to go ahead and post it.
My favorite thing about WordPress is the silence. Even though the stats tell a different story, I enjoy the feeling that I’m speaking to the void.
I feel so happy and full of love that I worry I’m jinxing myself somehow. When I was a young girl, I dreamed of the day I could have it all. It’s within my reach. I’m almost touching it. So close. It’s scary. It’s so fucking scary to have so much to lose.When I had nothing to lose, it was easy to be brave. To be a bad ass.
Yet somehow I am the most confident I’ve ever been in my life. I finally believe in myself. I can do it. I have already done it really. I have beaten the odds. I have earned this. All of it.
Sometimes it occurs to me that I should be working a pole somewhere, addicted to heroin, and going home to a trailer. I escaped that life by sheer luck. I looked at my parents and by the age of five I was working on my plan to get out. The luck was that I was smart enough to see it for what it was and form a plan of action . My siblings weren’t so lucky, unfortunately. Now one is dead, and another may as well be.
I graduated high school with honors (#16) in a class of over 300 because there was no way I wasn’t getting the fuck out of there. I was the first to do so. Do you know how hard it is to do well when you are constantly being held back? Being told you aren’t good enough? Being told you’re a bitch, and a whore, and you’re worthless, ungrateful, lazy, stupid, and a mistake? Being forced to work to keep the family fed, clothed, and housed. Having those hard earned dollars stolen in the night for crack. I’ve been working since I was thirteen years old. I’m fucking tired.
I watched my step dad beat my mom for years. It was just the way things were. She loved him just as much as she hated him. If a man ever hits me, he better kill me, because I will fucking end him. I am mine, mother fucker. You don’t own me. I am everything.
When I say I’m dauntless, I mean it. I will not stop. Nothing is going to hold me back. Not those people. Not circumstances. Not cancer. Nothing. I have found my people, my family, my team, and we will win. I will ride or die for them. For us.
I’ve waited for this moment my entire life.