dear diary

I have been in a fuck ton of pain this week. I’m ready for it to stop now, please.

I want to eat all the things, like I really want need a cookie and a milkshake.

I’m pretty much over this dieting bullshit, to be honest. 

I’m getting a lot of alone time this week. It feels sort of weird, though not unpleasant. 

It’s not really going to be ending anytime soon, either. 

You’d think my place would be cleaner, under the circumstances. 

Instead, I’ve been reading a lot! I have started & finished two books since Monday afternoon. I’m going to start another tonight. 

If my foot would stop hurting, I’d be able to get in some good exercise. I think I may need new running shoes. Mine have seen me through half-marathon training, the half-marathon itself, and then like another year’s worth of running. 

Oh wait… make that two years. Yep, it’s time.

I overslept this morning, and so I’m wearing a hoodie and a hat in the office since I don’t have any appointments or court today.

I get to pick up my boyfriend from the airport this afternoon. I have some ideas on how he can repay me. They all involve being naked. But he has to feed me first. I’m hungry.

lyrics

mattlikesama

tagged me to describe myself with lyrics from a song:

A Better Son/Daughter by Rilo Kiley

And sometimes when you’re on
You’re really fucking on
And your friends they sing along
And they love you
But the lows are so extreme
That the good seems fucking cheap
And it teases you for weeks in its absence
But you’ll fight and you’ll make it through
You’ll fake it if you have to
And you’ll show up for work with a smile
And you’ll be better
You’ll be smarter
More grown up and a better daughter or son
And a real good friend
And you’ll be awake
You’ll be alert
You’ll be positive though it hurts
And you’ll laugh and embrace all of your friends
And you’ll be a real good listener
You’ll be honest
You’ll be brave
You’ll be handsome and you’ll be beautiful
You’ll be happy

I’m supposed to tag five people, I think: atwistedlittleshow, itsjustcarrie, pour-your-heart-into-it, armemedia, and luvyacantleaveya

divorced parenting is hard

I’m worried my kid may need therapy.

He’s struggling with some stuff lately, and it is starting to become a problem at school. Also, he continues to do this thing where he tells everyone what he thinks they want to hear. His dad, grandmother, and I all get different versions of the same story, which leaves me wondering: which is the real one?

Sometimes, it has to do with my relationship. Jackson knows his dad dislikes my boyfriend. Despite what the ex believes, he has made that abundantly clear to our child, and that puts Jax in a bad spot, because he likes the bf and his daughter quite a bit. When he’s with me, he’s telling me he can’t wait for all of us to move in together. (This is after I have explained to him that we don’t have to do anything if he doesn’t want to or if it’s too soon.) He says he wants them at his birthday party, but he knows daddy would be “very unhappy.”

The ex and I talked about these things this morning. We are thinking of having Jackson go talk to someone, because it can’t really hurt, and it might help a lot. I want him to stop telling us what he thinks we want to hear and simply tell us how he actually feels. I want him to be happy.

The ex admitted that he can’t have them at the birthday party. “Maybe someday, but not today.” I think that’s fair, though I worry that he’s never going to get past it, which is fine for him on a personal level, but our son is attached to Dave & Freya and wants them in his life. At a certain point, parents have to suck it up and deal. I know neither of us ever wanted things to turn out this way, but they did, and it’s our responsibility to make the best of it. It’s very likely that the four of us will be a family someday, and the exes need to get on board whether they like it or not. Keep your angst to yourself. These kids have enough problems.

I hate thinking that my decision to leave his dad has damaged him, but I think it would have been way worse had I stayed. We were not headed down a good path. I used to hope, wish, and pray that my parents would divorce when I was growing up, so that the violence would stop, and it never happened. I didn’t want that life for my child. (Not that things were violent, but the fighting was increasing at an alarming rate).

I still don’t regret it, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t hard.

HELP ME!!!!

In an attempt to rid myself of this horrible headache, I have tried the following:

  1. extra strength acetaminophen (1300 mg)
  2. caffeine (in the form of Diet Pepsi)
  3. napping
  4. aromatherapy
  5. scalp massage
  6. weed
  7. booze
  8. vicodin
  9. orgasm

I’m running out of ideas. I can’t take NSAID pain relievers, because I already take Celebrex daily.

Suggestions?

I’m about to swallow some sleeping pills and pass out for the night. 

it must be monday

  • I woke up with a horrible headache. Every surface of my head hurts; even the scalp. My neck hurts, too. It’s terrible. 
  • I also woke up to a sick kid.
  • I had to take my boyfriend to the airport for a work trip. I miss him already, but we got to have lunch together, so yay. 
  • I have a rare night alone tonight. Normally I’d have my kid, but I swapped nights this week to accommodate his dad. I’m not even sure what to do with myself. Hmm.
  • Oh who am I kidding…my night will consist of running, reading, wine, and laundry. Because that’s how I roll. 
  • Have I mentioned how much my head hurts? Because it really, really fucking hurts, like whoa. 

*sunday morning seven*

  1. We got home late last night (after midnight) and so we slept in. Jackson didn’t wake up until almost 10 am, which is unheard of. 
  2. My right foot really, really hurts. I’m pretty sure it’s an arthritis thing. I guess I need to pull out the pain meds, because it doesn’t show signs of stopping anytime soon. *sigh*
  3. That makes it difficult to follow through with our original plan of going to the zoo. 
  4. So instead it will be a movie day. 
  5. Timehop reminded me that two years ago the bf and I were in Cancun. It was our first big vacation together. My ex sent me this nasty email (in an attempt to ruin said vacation), telling me that I was a terrible mother for introducing our child to the person I had been dating for well over a year (and various other reasons as well). I was so fucking pissed off that day. I’m very glad we have moved past all that drama. I’ve gotta say though, my tweets from that day are hilarious. 
  6. That also reminds me of the time, not long after our separation, that my friend sent me screenshots of a conversation the ex was having on Facebook with a mutual friend. (This was after he blocked me). The phrases: “evil fucking cunt” and “epic whore” were used to describe me in that thread. Oh the joys of divorce!!
  7. What a lovely trip down memory lane this turned out to be. Haha. Though it’s remarkable how unfazed I am by it all now. Time heals. Now it’s time for leftover pizza and Jurassic Park 3 with my favorite boy.