the heart wants what it wants

Three years ago I was struggling with the decision to leave my (then) husband. I wasn’t happy, and hadn’t been for quite some time. In an effort to save our failing marriage, my husband had suggested (several months prior) that we have sex with other people (though why he thought this was a cure was beyond me). Against my better judgment, I agreed, though I knew at that moment that our marriage was over.  Part of me hoped he would meet someone, fall in love with them, and leave me. Instead, I’m the one who fell in love, and I’m the one who eventually left.

Three years ago, I made a decision to put myself first for the first time ever. To do something I wanted despite who it may hurt. While I regret the pain that decision caused, I don’t regret the decision itself. It was selfish, but I am human, and the decision to be with him is one of the best ones I’ve ever made. For what it’s worth, I didn’t go out looking for him. He was placed in front of me as a candidate. A swap, as they call it. You do mine and I’ll do yours. Feelings grew from there. And, as the title says, the heart wants what it wants. 

I have (mostly) forgiven myself. I’m lucky (and grateful) that my ex has forgiven me as well. My boyfriend’s ex…not so much. Hopefully she will in time, since I’m not going anywhere, and could eventually be a step-parent to her child. They say time heals all wounds. I guess we will see.

It gets tiresome, however, to be referred to as a homewrecker. Did I really wreck the home(s) or was it already demolished due to all of our actions?  If the foundation was solid, why did we find ourselves in that situation to begin with? Actions have consequences, and I’m happy to accept my share of the blame, which is substantial. I just want everyone else to do the same. 

And if I really am a homewrecker then so be it.

i just want back in your head

  • I’m working from my bed today b/c I’m not feeling so hot. It’s good to be the boss. Sometimes, anyway. 
  • Last night I was sort of depressed b/c I didn’t have my kiddo like I normally would, so I took myself out for dinner at my favorite Thai place. After that, I hung with Danielle & Ross (two of my absolute favorite people) and we drank wine while we chatted. Our conversations are always super animated, sort of mean, and definitely nsfw. I adore them. Anyway, it ended up being a good night.
  • I’m way off my reading game. I just can’t get into this book. I’ve been reading it since like mid February, I think. It’s time to pick something else to see if that helps. I’m still pretty far ahead of where I should be for the year though b/c January was a huge month for me.
  • I have leftover Tom Yum soup for lunch. ❤ ❤
  • It’s weird to see stuff on Timehop from three years ago. It feels like a different life. Today it showed a pic of me at a party, talking with my boyfriend’s now ex-wife and my now ex-husband. It also alerted me to the fact that three years ago this week my step-dad died. *sigh*
  • I’ve been looking into buying a new bed. I love the look of my current bed, but it’s sort of badly constructed (euro slats suck), and so my bf and I keep breaking it when we have sex. Tuesday night was the worst yet. Half the bed collapsed. It was pretty hilarious though. I love a good sex story.
  • justanotherinternetbitchyo has inspired me to go to Target and buy a bunch of hoodies. That’s happening at some point this week/weekend. She’s the cutest. 
  • Tonight I get to hang with my sweet boy. We have a date to build the 400 piece Lego set I bought for him in Chicago.  Afterward, my hot man is coming over to make me a late dinner. I’m a lucky girl.