possibly maybe

  1. I miss Jackson, so I decided to wear the shirt he picked out for me like a year ago. It’s a white tee with black hearts on it. I’m wearing it under my super cute new hoodie
  2. Holy fucking hangover. Two glasses of sangria and three beers totally kicked my ass. I’m getting old. But…seeing Danielle and Calvin was super fun. I miss hanging with Calvin.  We all used to work together at Castle. Then afterward I got to hang with the bf. Heavy Riff Brewing was pretty good. I enjoyed the Left Coast IPA. Too much, apparently.
  3. I don’t even know why I’m in the office today. I haven’t done a single work related thing since showing up 2 hours ago. I’m just going to fake it till I make it.
  4. I have a date with my couch this evening and I seriously cannot wait. It feels like a good night to watch The Fault In Our Stars and cry. I’ve been going out a ton lately, and this introvert needs a break.
  5. Happy, happy Friday!!! TGIF and all that.

wacky wednesday

I had a busy morning of lawyering and now I want a nap. I haven’t been sleeping well lately and it’s starting to catch up with me. Tonight is my night! (At least I hope it is.)

Lunch date with the bf this afternoon. Yay.

Dinner date tonight with the bestie and Naarah. I would normally have Jackson tonight (and this weekend) but he is going to Texas with his dad and grandmother instead. To stop myself from being depressed about it, I have decided to fill up my week/weekend with fun activities. 

This was probably not the best week to start a new horror novel. Oops.

Yesterday I totally Facebook stalked my ex and his new gf. (I know, I know.)  They are cute together, and appear happy. This made me quite happy, and also relieved. The guilt eats at me still. 

I’m expecting (yet another) Modcloth package to arrive today. *squee*

keeping it real

I’ve noticed I’ve been censoring myself a bit lately. It’s because I have no idea who reads this blog. I mostly don’t care, as I’m a bit of an open book. Always have been. I guess I just worry about potentially hurting someone’s feelings. That said, I’ve got something I feel like writing about, and I’m just going to go for it. Blogging is a big form of stress relief for me, and I’m not giving that up for anyone.

Since my brother’s death, I’ve been trying to get some of my family relationships back on track. I have posted about that here. Unfortunately, I am struggling.  The root of the struggle is that I moved on from all of this family drama a long time ago.  My childhood fucking sucked for a variety of reasons: alcoholic & drug addicted parents, abuse, neglect, constant lies, no money, stealing, broken promises…the list goes on and on.  I always felt like a complete outcast because when I made it clear I wanted more from life than that, I was faced with scorn and ridicule. When it was time to go to college, I escaped, and I didn’t look back.

It’s weird to feel like the black sheep of the family because you aren’t a loser, but that’s exactly how I have always felt.  It was really hard for me to overcome all of that shit, but I did.  Many years of therapy saw to that.  I went out into the world and made a nice life for myself.  I created my own family.  I moved on.  I got over it. It was incredibly freeing to let go of all that anger and toxicity, and I’m never going back to that.

So it’s difficult now to get into this “we are one big happy family” thing. No matter how hard I try, I’m just not feeling it.  I’m not holding a grudge. I don’t hate anybody. I just don’t feel like pretending we have anything in common besides some bloodlines and a very fucked up history.

I feel like even more of a dick because this doesn’t apply to every family member. Just a few.  For example, I adore one of my sisters, but cannot tolerate the other. But am I really a dick because I don’t want to waste my time on a heroin addict who just wants to use me for money? Am I really a bad person because I don’t want my kid around ex-convicts, thieves, alcoholics, and drug addicts?

Fuck no. No. No. No. No. No.

Just because I love you, doesn’t mean I like you, and just because we are family doesn’t mean I have to deal with you.  If you aren’t willing to change for me, why should I change for you?

it’s the little things

LIST FIVE AND TAG FIVE. LIST FIVE THINGS THAT MAKE YOU HAPPY.

I was tagged by justanotherinternetbitch.

  1. Singing with Jackson in the car.
  2. Feeling the bf pressed against me when we wake up in the morning.
  3. Watching the snow fall from my cozy bed.
  4. New dresses.
  5. Owning it at court. 

I tag: itsjustcarrie, atwistedlittleshow, hardpatch, perpetualtoska, and incexual.

snow day musings

  • The kiddo and I are staying inside all day. It’s a snow day here in STL.
  • On the agenda: reading, laundry, organizing Jackson’s bedroom, interneting, and baking.
  • I wish I was reading the new Moyes novella, but I was super bummed to discover that you can’t buy it in the US.  So I ordered a hard copy from the UK. I can’t wait for it to get here. 
  • The bf helped me make some improvements around the townhouse over the weekend and now it feels much more homey. I’m happy here. This was a good move.
  • The views of the city from my new place are quite nice. Especially with all the snow.
  • I’m quite bummed I don’t get to have my weekly lunch date with the bf today, but leftover tacos almost make up for it. Almost. 
  • I haven’t worn a bra in 2 ½ days and the horrible rib pain I’ve been experiencing lately is almost gone. Hmm. I guess I need a bigger size?