vows are spoken, to be broken

One year ago today, I stood in front of a family court judge and was declared divorced.  That was a shitty fucking day. I remember standing there and listening to my ex’s voice break while he answered the judge’s questions.  I wanted to disappear. I felt like the worst person ever.

I cannot believe it has been a year.  I still struggle with feelings of guilt, but I’m so much happier now.

Last night, I was tipsy from good wine, walking hand in hand with my boyfriend, and I remember thinking: this is where I’m supposed to be. I’m just really sorry people had to hurt (and likely continue to hurt) in order for it to happen.

To punish myself, I listened to the playlist I made right after I separated. That was a real downer.  Then I remembered that next month would have been our ten year wedding anniversary.  We had so many plans.  It’s heartbreaking that they didn’t pan out.  Just because I needed this divorce, doesn’t mean it didn’t rip me apart inside. I don’t think that pain will ever completely go away, but it does lessen with time.

But you know what, I’m not going to be sad today.  I’m not going to dwell. I’m going to celebrate this new life I’ve made for myself, and my happiness.

However, I do want to tell two people that I’m sorry for their pain.  I know they will likely never see this, and it isn’t like I haven’t told them before, but it feels right to put it out there.  I hope they can find the happiness that I have. I want us all to find our happily ever after.

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