gee, ain’t it funny how time just slips away?

A year ago today I was an emotional mess, knowing that in less than 24 hours I was going to have a core biopsy to find out whether or not the masses in my left breast were cancerous.  I knew they were. I just knew it deep down in my gut, and had known it from the moment I caught a glimpse of my inverted nipple. I would just sit there feeling the masses constantly and wondering how bad it was going to be. Would I die? Would i lose my breasts? Was my life insurance paid up? How could I leave Jackson without a mother at such a young age? Who would take over my cases? 

I was cleaning out my email inbox early this morning, and came across an email exchange dated October 30, 2012.  On this lovely day one year ago, I was also arguing with my boyfriend’s ex about Halloween party pics I posted to my old blog. She did not approve of me posting pics of him and I on the internet. As you might imagine, zero fucks were given, though I did remove the pics, because whatever. I had enough problems, and certainly didn’t need to deal with that bullshit on top of cancer stress. 

It’s amazing what a difference a year can make. 

I’m sitting here healing from my implant exchange, and I’m cancer free.  I can feel free to shout about my love from the rooftops. I can post whatever pics I want.  A lot of people still aren’t happy about it.  They make their disapproval known in subtle ways.  Well guess what? Zero fucks are still given. 

I’m happy. It was all worth it. And I’m not sorry. 


Yesterday was my implant exchange, aka Breast Christmas.  The surgery went well.  I was in a great deal of pain when I awoke.  More than I expected. I had the gummy silicone implants inserted (the 410s). I also had liposuction of the flanks to provide fat to be grafted to the edges of the implants.

I snuck a peek yesterday and they look good,  though they are smaller than I was expecting.  I got the anatomically correct implants (tear drop shaped),  and so they look more natural than the expanders,  which were perfectly round.  This means they are less full at top,  which I will need to get used to.  However,  it looks like there is great cleavage potential.  I’m excited to heal so I can go bra shopping and test these babies out.

Ultimately,  they are better than expanders and even better than my original breasts,  which were almost non-existant,  and certainly never provided even a hint of cleavage.

Dave saw them yesterday and said they are magnificent, which made me laugh.  He’s taking very good care of me.  I’m so lucky to have him.  He’s amazing. I love him like crazy cakes.

I gave the new boobs a gentle squeeze yesterday, and they are soft.  It’s wonderful. I can also tell that once the swelling subsides,  I’m going to love the results from the liposuction. The shaping looks good already.  My only complaint is that wearing spanx for like 6 weeks nonstop is going to blow.  I’m already over it.

Btw,  I’m all drugged up,  so I apologize if this entry is a mess.

Please Put That Pink Can of Soup Down and Put Your Bra Back On

Thanks to alloftheinbetweens for sharing this with me.  It’s what I’ve been trying to express all month,  but presented much more eloquently.

My favorite part:

So the thought of seeing bra-less women flaunting two body parts that I have lost to cancer – more than I already see this on a regular day – does not feel all that supportive. In fact, it feels quite the opposite.

Please Put That Pink Can of Soup Down and Put Your Bra Back On

This weekend I…

  • went to The Darkness. I tried to go to the Haunting at Lemp instead, but it was closed. (Wtf?) Technically this happened on Thursday night, but Thursday is the new Friday. Everyone knows that. 
  • saw the Carrie remake.  *hated it*
  • finished Breaking Bad. *LOVED IT*
  • threw a kick ass Halloween party.
  • finally went to The Handlebar.
  • drank a lot of beer.
  • went to Six Flags for the first time since 1999.
  • had way too much fun. 

2nd annual Halloween costume party. 

I love Halloween. I love costumes.  I love my friends.  This year was even better than last year.  Don’t get me wrong, last year was epic, but I had that whole ‘oh shit i may have breast cancer’ thing going on. This year I had a new vibe: ‘i owned breast cancer and i’m getting new boobs on Tuesday. I win.’

These are my favorite pics from the night.  (The one with everyone surrounding the television was the reaction at the end of game 3 of the World Series.)   We started out by hanging at my place, while eating, drinking, and watching the game. Around 12:30 am we ventured out to the Halloween party at Handlebar. 

My favorite part of the night was when Danielle smashed a cupcake into Tim’s face. (He deserved it.) See pic #9. ❤

state of me

I got a new phone.  Goodbye iPhone 4S, and hello Galaxy S4.  I’m liking it so far,  but it’s quite the adjustment. I’m thankful that my bf is around to teach me how to use it. 

I’ve had an emotional week,  like seriously experiencing all the feels. 

This time next week,  I will be recovering from reconstruction surgery.  And it will be almost one year since my diagnosis.  I can’t even…

Everything is so busy and overwhelming.  I’m tired all the time.

All I want to do is sit around and read.  I’m reading obsessively.  I’ve taken to spending lunches alone so I can read.

Speaking of which, I’m reading The Ruins for the second time (first time was in 2008),  and holy fuck I forgot how much I love this book. If you dig horror,  it’s a must read,  imo.

I’m on the last season of Breaking Bad now,  and I’m going super slow because I don’t want it to end (and because I’m waiting to watch with the bf). But once it’s finished I get to start the last season of HIMYM so all is not fucked. Really loving Netflix right now.

Need to catch up on my Walking Dead and Kenny Powers too.

I had this overwhelming feeling of nostalgia earlier in the week.  It made me cry.

Divorce is a strange thing.  It takes someone you know better than anyone else,  and turns them into a complete stranger.

I’m starting to freak out about 6 weeks of no running or really any exercise .  But I’ll be recovered in time to start training for the half in April,  so silver lining. Oh and soft boobs and all that jazz.

Tomorrow I get to go with Jackson on his first field trip ever,  and I’m so excited. 

talknboutluvdancnboutarktecture: Breast Cancer Awareness.


I’m on a reblog rampage about this topic. This is a shared post from my friend by her viola teacher. In my own cancer struggle I have met many breast cancer patients on my journey- most of them unfortunately are closer to my age bracket than any other disease. This sentiment is echoed by them as…

talknboutluvdancnboutarktecture: Breast Cancer Awareness.