Last night, as I was falling asleep, I started thinking about my first night home after my double mastectomy. I woke up around 3 a.m. to empty my drains and I almost passed out. I had to call out to Dave for help (he was soundly asleep in my bed). I have no idea why this memory popped into my head, but as I was lying there it suddenly occurred to me that they cut off my breasts. I had cancer and they cut off my breasts. I actually sat up in bed and was all like WTF?!, which seems crazy, but it happened. Sometimes I forget the severity of what I have been through, because I live with it every day. But seriously…they cut off my breasts. That’s fucked up.
Today I went to lunch at Applebee’s with my good friend, and she was talking about her very recent break up. While we were sitting there she started to tear up and right then Taylor Swift’s You Belong With Me came on. It transported me back to May 13, 2012, where I was sitting in an Applebee’s with Rosa, crying and talking about my own break up, when that song came on. I don’t even like Taylor Swift, but I fucking lost my shit when that song came on. It felt very strange to hear it today under such eerily similar circumstances.
I asked my client to bring me a copy of his most recently filed tax return. He brought me this:
Sunday fun day!
McDonald’s for lunch (and play)
Citygarden for swimming
Cheeseology for dinner
Fitz’s for ice cream
Busy day was busy, and I’m exhausted.
Jackson is adorable.
I told him we could go on vacation, but that first we have to save up some money. I was trying to get him to stop talking about it. (It didn’t work, btw.) That was about three days ago. This afternoon he found a quarter, brought it to me, and said, “Mama, I’ve got some money. Now we can buy our plane tickets. Let’s go to the airport.”
Life is so simple when you’re three years old.
We spent the morning at Tower Grove Park.
15 weeks post chemo.
I’m getting lots of compliments, but I’m struggling with it. I’m grateful to have hair, and happy that people think I can pull off this look, but I miss having longer hair. I want to wear a headband or something.
The second pic is my short term style goal.
Two of my best friends are going through a separation, and my heart is breaking for them. It’s so difficult to be on either side of a break up. This is bringing up a lot of memories and feelings from last summer. I hate this. I wish I could do something more to help, but I know all I can do is offer my support and love. I wish it was enough, but I know it isn’t. Fuck.
If only there was a pill that could fix it. I remember wishing for that many, many times.
Of course, here on the other side of my own break up, I’m happier than ever, which proves that sometimes the grass really is greener. You just have to make it to the other side, which is much easier said that done.
In 2012, I contributed to the heartbreak of several people, and for that I will always be sorry. I have forgiven myself for that, though it was hard, but I still feel guilty about it. I still think about it every day. I’m hoping it gets easier with time. I want everyone to end up happy, but realistically I know that not everyone gets a happy ending. Life isn’t a fairy tale.
But, ultimately, you cannot rely upon another person for your happiness. You can only rely upon yourself. I don’t want to only be happy as Jenn & ______. I want to be happy as Jenn. If you’re not happy with yourself, by yourself, then you will never truly be happy at all.