It’s really hard to explain how I’m feeling, but I’m going to try. Sometimes I feel hopeful. Sometimes I’m scared out of my mind. Most of the time, however, I just feel really tired. I have been taking Xanax to help me sleep, and it makes me feel kind of out of it the next morning.
I’m trying to come to terms with what is happening here. I know it’s real, but it doesn’t feel real. It’s like a really bad dream, from which I can’t wake up.
I feel betrayed by my body.
I feel rage whenever I think about my breasts. I look down at them, and I wish they were already gone.
I feel sad when I wash and/or style my hair. I have hated my hair my entire life, but now that I’m faced with the very real possibility of losing it, I feel like crying. My hair is actually really awesome. It’s thick and shiny. It’s a nice color, and finally getting to the length I wanted. But soon it will be gone. I’ll lose my breasts. I’ll lose my hair. Maybe I’ll even lose my life.
This is so fucking unfair. I’m only 33 years old.
I don’t know what to do or what to say. How do I act normally when my entire world has been ripped apart?